Hypochondriachal Tendencies

So, I've been feeling crummy for over a week. I have some nasty symptoms that I won't disgust anyone with by discussing them...
Anyway, I can't decide whether I'm sick or overreacting. I hate Borderline Personality Disorder right about now.
It has me second guessing everything.  Am I sick, or neurotic?
Well, okay. We already know, I'm neurotic; I'd like to think the list of neurosis isn't growing.
Argh!
Ugh.

Day 5 Operation Define Waistline (no longer Waistline Deadline)

Day 5 Operation Waistline Deadline Define Waistline
or Op Waist-Dead O'De' Waist

So, I started off at 208 pounds this time around. I'm down to 203.4 as of this morning. Yippee :)

I have a long long way to go before my waistline is defined as it should be on a healthy woman of 30-ish.
I intend to get there in one year or less.
G, Z and I are considering martial arts training to slim down. Z needs to bulk up, whereas G and I need to slim down. It'll help us all.
A friend of G's is offering free lessons for a year out of concern for our health. Now, he's a true friend. We'd be very sick indeed to turn him down. I won't let that happen.

it's my party and I'll clean if I want to...

It's my Birthday.
Don't ask my why, but I felt like cleaning the bathroom. But, I realized nearing the end that we're out of floor cleaner; so I'm left with a half-clean WC. ah well. Good enough for now. I'll go shopping tomorrow or when Z gets home from her Nanna's tonight.
I can hardly wait to open the rest of my gifts. I have to wait for Z to get home. It wouldn't be the same without her.
I know they got me a movie and a food processor, but it's what movie and what kind of food processor that have me excited. ^_^
We're having a big family dinner this Friday at my favorite Cantonese restaurant called Yen Ching in Ozark, MO. I'm really really looking forward to it. It's such a nice place and so cheap compared to the high class decor and service and quality. I am always amazed by that. They even have a gift shop with the cutest stuff. I can hardly wait to introduce G and Z to it.
Well, otherwise, I'm finally selling the last of my excess furniture this afternoon. G and I had duplicates of a lot; so we're selling what we no longer need to make room for what suits us all best.
It helps with bills too once in a while...
Anyway, I'm off to be lazy for a day :D
Toodles!
CharityChatterbox

Fat Again

So... I've gone months without writing. Not healthy. UNhealthy.
I'm fat again. Not phat. Fat.
208 pounds on a 5'4" frame is not safe.
If I want to be healthy, I need to lose around 85-90 pounds.
But.
There is good news.

I've fallen in love.
Granted, my mother/landlord kicked me out over it. But, I'm happy with where I landed.
In the arms of my soulmate, "G," and the stepDaughter, "Z," of my dreams.
He's unhealthy too; so we're in the fight together.

He has a true friend "T," who's a martial arts instructor. T sent an email this week to let G know we have free lessons for a year to save his life and keep me from putting mine in further danger.
So, G,Z and I are going to be getting our butts kicked here soon.

Anyway, there is more to tell, and I'm hoping to set Z up with her own blog; so she can vent her teenage angst, but I have a wonderfully full life now that has me "doing" more and feeling drained when it comes to writing at the end of the day...

I vow to get better though. This is all really very therapeutic.

Day 60 Operation Waistline Deadline

Food Rules

• Take 15…
...minutes to cool down and rate your hunger on a scale from 0-10, 0=starving to 10=overstuffed.

• Stay away from the Frey (the kitchen)

• Walk it off
a. Walk
b. Listen to music
c. Read a magazine or book
d. Call a friend
e. Knit or Sew
f. Do a puzzle
g. Do a mix of several of these

• Record everything…food and drink

• Small
a. Plates
b. Glasses
c. Utensils
d. Bites
e. Portions

• Eat
a. preferred/favorite foods first
b. leave a small portion on your plate

• Only at the Table

• Atmosphere
a. No distractions
b. No food outside the kitchen
c. No eating while busy
d. No eating while watching TV

• Grocery-Shop in Groups ~with supporters who take your health seriously too
a. Stick to your list
b. Pre-plan meals for each day
c. Re-package food for each day immediately after grocery shopping
d. Make a time schedule to eat meals and snacks for each day

• If someone wants a snack, they have to make it themselves (so you aren’t tempted and don’t tempt others)

• Ask family and friends to stop using food as gifts or celebrations/rewards for you
a. Give them alternative ideas like:
i. Bowling
ii. Skating
iii. Mini golf
iv. Movie Night
v. $10 or $20 shopping spree together at your favorite store
vi. New book
vii. Favorite flowers

• Change your route when maneuvering your way elsewhere at work so you avoid the most tempting of foods

• Keep excess foods away from the table
a. everyone must get up to serve themselves more portions
b. Clear the table immediately after finishing the meal
c. Package leftovers in small portions

• Give away or throw away leftovers from parties
a. Sit or stand away from your favorite foods
b. Limit eating to one spot
c. Record what you eat
d. Choose small portions

• Decide beforehand what you’ll eat at a restaurant
a. Avoid long periods of deprivation before meals or eating at a restaurant (keep healthy snacks in conscientious portions on hand just-in-case)
b. At buffets, study everything offered before making your selections
c. Record everything still, discreetly if necessary

Day 54 Operation Waistline Deadline

190.2 pounds

Time-out!
Yep, another woopsee-daisy.
I live in a rural, upper middle class subdivision, of which I am the least of.
I am not among the elite, or near elite as my immediate neighbors are.
We have upper class homes to the east and lower middle class homes to the west. I belong well within the west.
I could not possibly care less. They can opt not to ever wave back to me, but I will always grin and wave to them. They may look down at me from their luxury SUV's, but I will continue to blissfully, if not erratically, inline skate like a lemming lunatic down the street, praying to thwump into a Bradford Pear and not sploosh into the "lake" at the base of our 5-home street/subdivision.
I'd rather be looney than uptight. I'd rather have a mind and heart opened by wonder than closed by belief.
Anyway, my home appears to be a wealthy woman's home. It could be. If it were, the quirks would be fixed within days, I have no doubt. As it is, the house is a near money pit. I feel like Shelley Long in more ways than that alone. I'm accident prone.
That d@&#$d Irish Murphey and his law have cursed my Scottish line. I just know it.
Anyway, the latest in a three-year line of systematic red alert melt downs, was the well. The well is no longer housed in a wooden Holly Hobby like romantic housing. It's in concrete. It has a concrete lid that I cannot lift or even slide off without help. The handle bars are made of steel, very thick steel.
Lightening struck the steel.
The steel rods were touching the wiring to the pump.
Gee, who'da thunk steel, electricity and water would be a bad idea?
So, no water for a day, and a hefty bill for the extensive work entailed in removing everything (I swear, the thing is a quarter mile deep with all the gizmos and piping they pulled out).
Several days later, I went back to drinking water from the refrigerator dispenser as normal.
What I did not realize, was my fridge's filter was old. It should've been replaced.
I began drinking water with limestone.
I am now sick.
You see, I have no gallbladder.
It went berserk three years ago and had to be removed.
So. My body wasn't breaking down the chemicals before reaching my kidneys.
My kidneys got overworked and made a formal and loud complaint.
My digestive system is now on strike and production is painful. Did I mention, I am in pain? I am in pain.
With all of this rigmarole to deal with, Op Waist-Dead is gonna have to pause for a few until I can move again. Right now, all I can think about is curling up under the cover of 300 count Egyptian cotton and a heavy comforter and resting my head on a fluffy pillow.

My goal is to be 187.0 by the 15th for my first checkup since the Op began.
But, if life continues being, well, life, I may have to settle for 190.0.

I began at 212 pounds.
Day 60, if I am 187, I will have lost 25 pounds.
I want to make Dr Sharma proud. He's invested so much in my health these past three years; the least I can do is prove how well I've learned.

I'm almost to the 25 pound mark :D
Okay, this is how dorky I am.
I bought a black wall organizer that has a small cork board, dry erase board, a cubby box for markers, an eraser and thumb tacks, and three tiny hooks for light whatevers to hang from. It's from Targét; so it's simple and cute.
It's my 25 pound gift to myself. It's sitting on the floor near my bed, just waiting patiently to be hung in a place of practical cuteness.

Well, I'm off to rest.
Sorry if this blurb is sporadic and tangential, but that's how my mind works. It's just more pronounced when I'm ill.

Toodle-loo y'all!

Day 48 Operation Waistline Deadline

193.8 lbs

Yesterday's Weight: 194.8 lbs
Weight Lost: 1 lb

Highest Weight: 212 lbs
Goal Weight: 112 lbs
Weight Lost: 18.2 lbs
Weight to Lose: 81.8 lbs
Days to Deadline: 182
Average Daily Loss Needed: 0.45 lbs

I can definitely live with losing 1 pound in 1 day. I have no clue how I did it, because I snuck a mini bag of sugar-free Russel Stover chocolate covered peanuts last night :D But, I'm not complaining. I'm stoked.
I'll eat a bag more often if that's what it takes :P

So, in the spirit of full disclosure, and a quote I read recently:
"What I eat in private will appear in public,"
as well as the infuriating discovery that programs in place are tailored to the morbidly obese and leave the obese and overweight to fend for themselves, I am opening up even more. I'm miffed. I don't get miffed unless I see someone else hurt, and I see my country in a health crisis. The saddest revelation is that the majority are in denial or blissfully unaware. I am actually fighting back tears right now, I am so upset.
I've the time and resources at this period in my life to heal myself and my own unhealthy condition.
So.
So, I'm going to try to share everything I am taught along the way and that I have learned already.
It's daunting, but if y'all continue to ignore the anaconda slowly swallowing you, I'm going to do my best to pry him off one tiny fang at a time - and they have countless fangs down their throats. Gross analogy, but well, I hate being alone with John Voigt winking and dying in my nightmares :D You're welcome.

Fads do NOT last. They may work to stop a chunk of fat quickly in a few weeks. But. Be honest with yourself. Are you really going to follow the strict guidelines for the rest of your life? Can you really avoid pizza, burgers, ice cream, pasta, dessert, cookies, chips and dip, dipping your veggies in sour cream and chives, soda, sweet tea, chocolate milk, shakes, and so on forever? C'mon! Be honest with yourself! You will treat yourself now and again. Just like you take the elevator on occasion with the stairs available. Just like cycling could get you to work, you use your car. It's okay. You are human.

1. 80/20
80% of your time be healthy
20% of your time be human

That is one of the principles my psychologist has taught me.
That's right. I said psychologist. I ain't ashamed. If you don't know me by now and that I come from a loooooong line of genetically predisposed mentally ill persons than, well, Hello! My name is Charity and I have psychoses :D Nice ta meetcha ;)
Okay, back on point.
That's 1 principle of countless. But I'll be counting. So, I guess they will be counted. Oh be quiet y'all :P it sounded good in my thoughts; so Phbbtt! Ah, I love laughing at myself.
Oh, that's a good one too.
Learn to laugh at yourself. If you can shrug off stumbling and keep moving forward, and with a good attitude, you're already a success. That's how I see it anyway. It's kept me alive; I'd say that's success for a formerly suicidal chick wouldn't you?

2. Learn to laugh at life-affirming stumbles.

That's what they are. If you stumble and break a nail or stub a toe or bump a shin or hammer a thumb, you feel something. That means you're alive! :D that means you still have hope. Why? How? If you're alive, you have time to change. You have the chance to:

3. Be the change you wish to see in the world.

Just like the man said, - the man would be Michael Jackson, who started with the man in the mirror.

4. If you focus on results you will never change.
However,
If you focus on change, you will get results.

The way to change? Simple.

5. Calories In vs Calories Out

That IS all it is. You are unique. There is no magic number that will work for every person. Your body composition is unique to you.

6. CaloriesPerHour.com

That's where you will find the calculators to your unique newts and needs.

BMI: Body Mass Index
this will classify you as Underweight, Healthy, Overweight, Obese, Morbidly Obese

BMR: Basal Metabolic Rate
this will give you an idea of how many calories you need to maintain your weight, AFTER cross-referencing it with the lifestyle below it - Sedentary to Active...

RMR: Resting Metabolic Rate
this will give you an idea, again after cross-referencing, of how many calories you need to maintain your current rate if you spend your entire day in a state of rest/sleep.

You can also discover how much you burn in almost every activity you can imagine, based on your gender, height, weight and the time you spend in that activity.

You can also calculate how many calories to deduct from the general 2000 the FDA suggests in order to reach your goal as well as how long it will take all based on your gender, age, height and current weight vs goal weight. The calculation can be performed to discover how many calories to deduct to be at your goal by a certain date, or how much time it will take based on how many calories you deduct, or how much you will weigh by deducting a certain number of calories for a certain period of time.

There is also a food calculator that has a somewhat large database of caloric counts for common foods and brands.

I think that about covers the site. It's absolutely free and I am there at least three times a day checking my numbers and goals and recalibrating.



7. Use small plates and bowls, as well as forks and spoons so your servings and bites are the healthy size.

8. Designate a spot for eating only. Allow no distractions while you eat - no tv, music, newspaper, chatter, etc

9. No food or non-water beverage is allowed away from the designated spot. Ever.

10. Drink water continuously throughout the day, totaling 64 ounces minimum. Don't gulp in a few sittings. Allow it to be an all day experience so you have hydration at all times.

I think that's plenty for one day. My brain hurts and John Cleese isn't around with his mallet :P

Toodle-loo!

Day 45 Operation Waistline Deadline

195.0 lbs

Yep, I've stumbled backward.

No excuses,
Just results
Good or bad
That's all I have

Yesterday ended last night
I have today to make it right

Okay, so I'm in a rhyming mood today :P Please just laugh at me and dismiss it :D

What I'm going to do is begin another 21 day restart to unlearn the bad behaviors and implement the good. Bad: skipping salads and indulging in lots of tasty food with little to no nutritional value.

Good:
1. Opting for salad with my grilled chicken (instead of rice or pasta).

2. Hooping and banding at the same times every day for a grand total of an hour.

3. Eat only in the kitchen.

4. Say "No" to unhealthy food, meaning "Yes" to a healthier me.

Again, it takes the human brain 21 days to make or break a habit. So, here I go again.

I want to feel healthy for my birthday in August this year; do I move toward 30 with one less life goal :)

Furthermore, Halloween and my size small Sassie Lassie costume are only 183 days away; so, I must keep that in mind or I will fail myself.

This is one time, I will do much more than survive... I will succeed and thrive.

Like Chuck, my closest older brother, wrote to me, I can let that fire defeat me. Or, I can let that fire forge me into an incredible sword, an incredible weapon, that can cut through anything, that can make it.

After all, the best way out is always through ;)

And, I kinda like the image of me fierce, in cute bronze armour with a sword and shield ready to defend myself and every child who needs someone who understands and will fight for them... :D What woman wouldn't ;)

First things first. Before I can wield a sword, I should probably learn to swing a baseball bat without smarting myself in my toosh :P
(then again, no one would suspect...)

Okay, off to hula to some Heart

I look forward to being a loser ^_^

Day 37 Operation Waistline Deadline

No change thanks to weekend b-day BBQ, cake and ice cream. I still feel ill :P

Some geeky quotes:

(I've long since forgotten who penned these; so sorry :D)

Use your imagination not to scare yourself to death, but to inspire yourself to life

Where you start is not as important as where you finish

Act as if everything you do makes a difference. It does

Sacrifice is TRADING-UP something good for something better - Me <3

It doesn't matter how slowly you go as long as you don't quit

The beginning is always today

It's the mind that makes the body

Don't be average. Be a model citizen

Wherever you do a thing, act as if the world is watching

People may doubt what you say, but they will believe what you do

All great achievements require time

Be unafraid of doing things slowly. Be afraid of standing still

It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves

Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out

Don't expect results from excuses

Tribulations teach patience. Patience teaches experience. Experience teaches hope. Hope is shameless (that's a Bible verse, but I forget which)

Be strong
Have courage
Don't be afraid
Don't get discouraged
God is with you

God is your life coach

God is your personal trainer

God is your cheer captain

Attitude and outlook are a choice

Fight through the fatigue that stands between you and success

How poor are they that have no patience

Pleasure and action make the hours seem short

This be madness yet there is method in it
(Shakespeare)

Strong reasons make strong actions

The miserable have no other medicine, but only hope

Self-love...is not so vile a sin as self-neglecting

You know what you are, but you know not what you may become

Screw your courage to the sticking-place, and you'll not fail
(Shakespeare)

Don't give up what you want most for what you want at the moment

Minds are like parachutes. They only function properly when open

Observe everything. Judge nothing

Never be afraid to do something now. Remember amateurs built the ark, professionals built the titanic.

Choice, not chance determines destiny

If you focus on results you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results

You cannot expect to achieve new goals or move beyond your present circumstances unless you change

We must be the change we wish to see in the world

Stumbling is not falling

A stumble may prevent a fall

Success is a staircase not a doorway

Every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better

Great things are not done by impulse, but by a series of small things brought together

Every day do something that will inch you closer to a better tomorrow

The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones

A man may walk over the mountain one step at a time

Little by little does the trick

You must act as if it is impossible to fail

Start doing what's necessary, then what's possible, and suddenly you'll be doing the impossible

Knowledge of what is possible is the beginning of happiness

Happiness begins on ourselves

There is only one person who could ever MAKE you happy, and that person is you

Insist on yourself. Never imitate

The only journey is the journey within

Don't bunt. Aim out of the ballpark

Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's heaven for?

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams

Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake

Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true

Every artist was first an amateur

Try not to become a success but a person of value

Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm

We are masters of our fate. We ate captains of our souls

Knowing is not enough, we must apply. Willing is not enough, we must do

Fortune favors the brave

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds

The best way out is always through

A man's best successes come after his greatest disappointments

The only way of finding the limits of the possible is by going beyond them into the impossible

If you do not hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes

The self is continuously forming through choice of action

To accomplish a great thing, we must dream as well as act

Movement and methodical physical exercise save and preserve good human condition

Strength lies solely in tenacity

Action is a key to all success

Success is not spontaneous. You must set yourself afire to it

Success continues, you grow and develop, achieve one thing to step up to the next success

Set the goal YOU want

Keep everything in perspective, ask, "How important is this in the overall picture of my life?"

Success is action. I stumble, but I get up and don't quit

Keep most of your thoughts in the present, don't dwell on the past, don't obsess for the future

Replace old bad habits with healthy new habits

Value yourself to value your time to do something valuable with it

Do the best you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in any place you can, as long ad ever you can
(Sir Winston Churchill)

Behind me is infinite power
Before me is endless possibility
Around me is boundless opportunity
I have no fear

Let go of feeling responsible for others.
(You can only control yourself; so you have enough responsibility as it is, especially if you have children or aged/I'll family depending on you)

Plan Purposefully
Prepare Prayerfully
Proceed Positively
Pursue Persistently

Success is never final

Deal with yesterday's guilty feelings by doing what you can today to like yourself more

Change one behavior at a time

Self-trust is a key to success

Success is measured by the courage with which I maintain the struggle against overwhelming odds

Advice only works when I work

Avoid the self-sabotage of isolation and inactivity

Success is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm

There is no success without sacrifice

Behavior is learned and can be unlearned

Praise your efforts even if you aren't perfect

Take failure in stride. Each tie you fail, you ate that much closer to succeeding

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence is not action then, but habit

Decide what you want

Energy ad persistence conquer all things

Things do not change. We change

Energy creates energy. It is by sending oneself that one becomes rich

Victory belongs to the most persevering

That which we persist in doing becomes easier...because our ability to perform it had improved

Nothing is stronger than habit
Concentrate on reaching your goal(s) in a relaxed manner and setting

The highest reward for your work is not what you get for it but what you become by it

Never underestimate your power to change yourself

Do something every day to make your dreams come true

Stay true to you

Refuse to accept limitations and labels... Be daring!

Don't wait. Open your own doors

Don't let what others think decide who you are
(Dennis Rodman)

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than closed by belief

Don't wish for it. Work for it
Don't just dream it. Do it

You only fail if you stop trying

Some of my favourite passages in the Bible:

A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance
Proverbs 15:13a

One that is of a merry heart hath a continual feast
Proverbs 15:15b

Cast all your cares upon Him; for He careth for you
Isaiah 49:16a

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine
Proverbs 17:22

Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the boned.
Proverbs 16:24

...The lips of knowledge are a precious jewel
Proverbs 20:15b

Better is the poor that walketh in ones integrity...
Proverbs 19:1a

A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches, and loving favour than silver and gold.
Proverbs 22:1

One that hath hath a bountiful eye shall be blessed...
Proverbs 22:9a

A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver
Proverbs 25:11

A wise one is strong, yea, a person of knowledge increaseth strength
Proverbs 24:5

Rejoice in thy youth; and let thy heart cheer thee in the days of thy youth, and walk in the ways of thine heart, and in the sight of thine eyes
Ecclesiastes 11:9a

Better is the poor that walketh in ones uprightness
Proverbs 28:6a

[Give your tithe, your 10%, in private, so no one knows]
Matthew 6:1-4

Therefore remove sorrow from your heart
Ecclesiastes 11:10a

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, continue to habitually pray, be given to hospitality
Romans 12:12-13b

[Pray in private, alone, so no one sees or hears]
Matthew 5:5-6

Pursue peace, and look for ways to edifying others
Romans 14:19

As much as possible, live in peace with everyone
Romans 13:18

[daily fruits of the spirit:
love, joy, peace, faith, long suffering, gentleness, goodness, meekness, and temperance]
Galatians 5:22-23a

Do everything with charity (unconditional love)
1 Corinthians 16:14

There is hope...so eat, drink, and be merry; live joyfully in love, labour with all your might.
Ecclesiastes 9:4-10

[Anger is okay and natural, but no excuse to sin. Do not go to bed angry]
Ephesians 4:26

Truly the light is sweet, and a pleasant thing it is for the eyes to behold the sun
Ecclesiastes 11:7

Wisdom is better than strength
Ecclesiastes 9:16a

[Put on:
mercy, kindness,meekness, humbleness of mind, long suffering, forebearance, forgiveness, peace of God, grace of speech, charity-the bond of perfectness]
Colossians 3:12-15a, 4:6a

[Focus and think on:
truth, honesty, justice, purity, loveliness, good reports, virtuosity, praise]
Phillippians 4:8

[Think about what you're about to do then do it with purpose]
Proverbs 4:26

[If you want friends, be a friend, to everyone, out of unconditional love]
Proverbs 18:24, Hebrews 13:1-2

Be meek and ever in a mindset of learning and good conscience
1 Peter 3:15-16a

Have compassion, and make a difference
Jude 1:22

Having food and clothing, be content...be gentle and patient
1 Timothy 6:8, 2 Timothy 2:24b

Sanctify God in your heart.
[Be ready answer why and how you have hope and believe in God]
1 Peter 3:15-16a

with God all things are possible
Matthew 19:26

Blessed is the one that endureth temptation
James 1:12

On that note, these next quotes are easy to take to an unhealthy extreme. So if your still technically a teen, run these by your parent(s) first. Once they've screened them and defined the boundaries, then you can discuss applying them to your weight loss journey. Bright side :D boundaries give you power. They are made to protect you and you get to enforce them when your parents aren't there to stand up for ya. You can control your own actions and thoughts; so once your parents set the parameters, you are free within them. Safe. If anyone tries to breach your walls, your parents can take them down if they don't back down for you when you state your warnings. So, don't let anyone put unrealistic expectations on your appearance. Don't let your supposed "friends" use bully tactics to have you questioning your body image. If they try to, Wham! Have comebacks ready. Chat with your parents and come up with a few phrases to bat back the bully talk. Being prepared for the bully is a kind of power. It's foresight, a kind of knowledge. So, you're smarter than they are because you were ready for them :D As silly as it will feel to role play with your parents, it works. Seriously. Think of it as making a battle strategy. Planning and building and fortifying your defenses. These quotes are to help, not to be taken to a harmful extreme like Ana or Mia ("Mee-uh") aka anorexia and bulimia. If you start thinking along those lines, step back and chat with your parent(s). Maybe you just need a buddy (parents make for a great audience) ;) to cheer you on and cheer you up, not quotes on paper :)

Anyway, here are the zany quotes floating around cyberspace, support groups and so on:

I'm like a sculpture, a perfect piece of art that is not attained until there is nothing left to be taken away

I do not live to eat
I eat to live

Eat in the presence of others
(whenever possible. Imagine them measuring your every bite)

Write IT away
(cravings, anxiety, boredom, discouragement, etc)

I've come too far in life to take orders from food

Sugar is poison!
(really, it serves no nutritional purpose, it damages organs and withdrawal is as bad as that of cocaine)

Junk food is garbage, trash
Do you really consider it a Treat to eat trash?

Calories canNOT make you happy
So why stuff your feelings with trash?

Processed foods extend shelf life and your waist line

Everything looks cute on a healthy figure

I'm losing this fat ninny
To be a winner, brave and skinny

This is forever. I will do whatever...it takes. I want a long healthy life

The thinner is the winner
Because she's a loser :P

My body keeps an accurate journal regardless of what I write down

Bigger snacks mean bigger slacks

What I eat in private will show-up in public
(I had a nightmare that I turned into a carrot-colored woman *shiver* But I eat em anyway :D)

Stressed is desserts spelled backward

You become what you think about
So think thin!
(Try not to think about You-Know-Who 24/7 or you'll switch places and you're not an artist!)

You are what you eat
(so I should eat a gorgeous perfect version of myself??? Where is that chick?...)

An unhealthy body reflects an unhealthy person to potential employers, clients, etc

I'm not healthy yet, but I'm healthier than I was yesterday

Not eating right makes your clothes tight
(like chocolate. It keeps shrinking my blue jeans!) ;)

Every time I say, "No, thank-you" to junk food, I'm really saying, "Yes, please!" to a healthy body

Nothing tastes as good as being healthy feels

Taste everything. Eat nothing
(Dinah Shore)

Drink a glass of water before each meal
You'll feel full faster
And hopefully skip dessert aka not get "stressed"

Cleat an exercise space in your bedroom
(15 minutes of stretching when you wake up and before you go to bed is better than no activity)

Craving junk food? Imagine all the disgusting nasty gunk that goes into it.
(the metals, minerals, oils, fats, dyes...)

Make a Look Book of cute clothing styles you hope to wear once you reach your goal, along with photos of celebs your age and height who are within the healthy weight range (BMI) and browse it anytime you need

Food cannot move. As long as I don't touch it, it cannot force itself on me.

Distract! Distract! Distract! Wash dishes, do laundry, vacuum, dust, garden, go for a walk, read, sketch, paint, sing, whatever, just busy yourself

Clothes too big? Take them to the donations box. Not going back there. Ever

Eating at home? Only in the kitchen, sitting down, with no distractions. Focus on eating so it registers. No food outside the kitchen. Period

Craving candy? Suck on a sugar-free vitamin c drop (5 calories Halls and yummy)

Exercise first thing every morning
(you'll think twice before self-sabotaging your hard work, and you'll feel better about yourself throughout the day)

Secretly compete with healthy women your age and height. Clip photos of celebs to motivate yourself. Pretend you're about to be her in a play or you won one of her red carpet gowns and have to model it, whatever...

Take a good multivitamin daily

Make your bed every morning
It burns up to 10 calories
You'll feel better about your space
and it's so comfy to slide between neat sheets ^_^

Choose parking spots farthest from entrances

Use YouTube and Google for pep and motivation
Photos, articles, comedians, videos, etc

Pamper yourself
Who doesn't love a bubble bath with sparkling wine, a mini mani-pedi, a mini facial, deep cleansing and deep conditioning your hair, a full body lotion lather, perfect makeup, killer hairstyle, cute outfit, whitened teeth, treating yourself to lunch at a cafe and look mysterious sitting all alone nibbling at your salad :P Go window shopping and take photos of the clothes you try on so you know what you want to buy in that smaller size...?Whatever! Have fun distracting yourself :D

Don't get bored. Stay cheery and mentally active
Stay away from that kitchen!

Stay hydrated! Sip water constantly throughout the day, not gulps of one or three bottles here and there

A craving is just a feeling. Healthy is a honed skill
Booyakah!

A moment on the lips, forever on the hips

Feel deprived of junk food? Just imagine all those cute clothes you're being deprived of by being unhealthy, and all the other things you're missing out on because you're unhealthy

It's better to exercise 1/2 hour than to be unhealthy 24 hours a day, every day for the rest of a shortened life

This last collection of factoids are tidbits I've gathered in research over these past weeks. Read on if you're either very bored, trying to put yourself to sleep or as obsessive as I am when it comes to perfecting a project to microscopic testing standards :P
Like Dante warned, there's no undoing this trip :P

Never sit still. Fidget so you're in constant activity, burning calories

Focus on upcoming events
(birthday, Halloween and a small costume :D)

Set out, in the next size down, a cute outfit you want to wear

Weigh yourself regularly, at the same time and record it

Shy about explaining yourself when others question your restaurant or snack choices? Use your health as the reason. "I have a health issue and need to avoid certain foods."
They aren't entitled to any more than that. If they push for details, either out of rudeness or concern, "I'd rather not go into detail, it's too personal. But I'll be okay. It's not too serious."

People are nice, or passive or just don't care enough to be honest and, well, lie. The scale, bmi tester and measuring tape do not lie

Never eat a meal larger than your fist

Eat every 2-3 hours (min-max)

Never eat within 3 hours of sleeping

Get 8-9 hours of sleep

Eat until you are no longer hungry, not until you feel full/stuffed - that's a sign you've eaten too much

Brush your teeth when a craving hits. Nothing tastes good after toothpaste

Keep a journal/log of food and beverages consumed, activity, cravings, thoughts of food, temptations and dealing with them, restaurant experiences, eating with others and how you managed, etc

Rid the entire house of junk food. If your family and friends truly care, they'll support you and help you while you transition. They can hide their stash somewhere else

Number your bites. Limit yourself to X amount of bites when you know you need to

Exercise to music. It helps the time pass more quickly

Cut your food into tiny bites
Eat with your non-dominant hand
Put the utensil down while chewing

Cold showers burn calories

Wear as little as possible when exercising. Your clothes will be less forgiving; so you'll want to exercise longer

Read the ENTIRE nutrition label

Friends eating junk food? Opt for sugar-free candy or gum
Keep a stash in your purse or pocket

Do a 10-day detox every year or six months

Wear lip color and gloss
You won't want to smudge it by eating or drinking

These last few are questionable and I only include them because they are given me in advisement, be they wise or nutty who "helped me out"
*insert dramatic eye roll here*

Do this for that little black dress and the strappy heels :)

Do this for that itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini :D

Do it for the traffic-stopping body?

Do it for the wolf whistles, stares, double takes and once overs?

Do it for shorts, tank tops, mini skirts and mini dresses :P

Do it for sleeves that don't pinch :D lol

Do it so your thighs no longer communicate with cicadas :D lol

Do it to make the mean girls jealous

Do it for the surprised looks on "their" faces

Do it for the whispers and gossip about how you did it because they're jealous

Do it to prove "them" wrong

Do it to be so svelte you no longer care what other women think

DO THIS FOR YOURSELF!

Okay, these are food related and, I admit, sound goofy, but they're useful
To an extent
(sure, I got laughed up one side and down the other by my family when I was making my little flash cards, but I endured for the cause! and just stuck my tongue out at them, got haughty and pouted while trying not to laugh at myself too :P)

Your friends are:

Chicken broth
Plain air-popped popcorn
Sugar-free gum
Salsa with chiles
Spinach leaves
Hot chocolate or cappuccino in water
Seaweed (the algitate or whatever it's called)
Sugar-free vitamin c drops
Diet sodas (not dark colas - too much phosphorous is bad for your kidneys)
Coffee with nonfat milk (caffeine is an appetite suppressant too)
Water with lemon
Green tea
Sugar-free hard candy occasionally
Jelly beans occasionally

Eating out? Order a salad with dressing on the side

Avoid sandwiches
(so much bread and sodium in the meat and cheese)

Hate butter!
(really, it has no nutritional value and only harms your body and health)


Okay, these break my heart. I found them, circulating on websites run by teenage girls. I cried as I read their blogs and stories. I do NOT promote these ideas, but I have friends with young daughters and sons who are exposed to this at school.

They promote laxatives and the like

Stomach growling? Imagine fat being gnawed away

Don't eat.
If you want food inside you, just look in the mirror at your gut, thighs and arms

I don't care if it hurts
I have the control
I'll have a pretty body
I'll have a pretty soul

I'm not yet a winner
I could be thinner
I will not eat dinner

Or

I'm not yet a winner
I could be thinner
I must go throw up dinner

You see why I cried. That's just the tip of the iceberg for these kids. Tragic.

Eating one small meal, the size of one's fist, every two to three hours will speed up the metabolism.
Learning your BMR, RMR and what your BMI should be will help you. You can adjust the calories you consume logically, safely to lose the unhealthy weight over a realistic period of time.
Mycaloriecounter.com is a great site that does the math for you

Tata y'all ^_^

Cox Hospitals, Burrell Behavioral Health

Cox Hospitals
Burrell Behavioral Health
Springfield, Missouri
Nixa, Missouri
Milano House, Residential Facility for At-Risk Teens

If you or someone you know or know of is directly or indirectly "involved" with this agency, I urge you to do considerable research and digging before moving one step further with them.
I know, as a parent of a child who is Mentally or Behaviorally or Emotionally Ill child, you may be at your wit's end, but being well-informed may make all the difference between healing and further regressing in your child's condition.
I speak from first-person experience, as a former patient.
This facility is to be compared with a minimum security prison for teens.
Every day, every night, for two and a half years, I felt I was being punished for being sick and scared.
It got so traumatic that I "played the system" and "graduated" to self-medicate and strike out on my own as an under-informed young adult.
I've written previously about the lack of nutrition and how it contributed to a bad habit of poor eating that lasted nearly 15 years.
I've also written of depressing living conditions in which my only solace was a bed near a window once in a while as beds rotated.
I've written of the lack of privacy and dignity.
Oh, how I wish St John's/Mercy Hospital would build an alternative. It's night and day, the dichotomies of Mercy to Cox. Tragic.
It takes less than 5 minutes to note the differences as you go through admitting.
I ache for the children of this area, knowing they have no alternative unless they have considerable means.
So, please! Warn parents. If they exercise their right and authority as patent, it could make a difference in their child's care at a facility.
Don't be afraid to breath down the necks of care providers.
If they aren't caring, they aren't doing their job. It's as simple as that.

Day Dunno Operation Waistline Deadline

I'm eating when someone puts food in front of me, whatever anyone puts in front of me and that's all I know.
I might be stumbling backward a few pounds, but I've been knocked back a few paces from any perspective.
The only "I hope something fits" moments I'm having are staring at my black wardrobe and trying to make sense of it all.
I hate fashion at the moment. There are inappropriate styles, unseasonable styles, clashing pieces and the worst part of it all, remembering other funerals I've worn ensembles to.
Would it betray the memory of the other person I loved to wear the same outfit?
On top of that, how can I continue segregating parts of my wardrobe for mourning? Every time I glance that way, a pang, however brief, stops my heart.
Is it healthy to have a mourning wardrobe? Or is it simply practical and respectful?
I'd like to think it's respectful, practical and a little sentimental in a reminiscent way.
I know, I'm over-thinking. I always do. At least I'm aware of it nowadays and not paralyzed by it.
I've carefully chosen the pieces. A long black skirt, a Victorian black satin and lace blouse, black flats with a kitten heel, a barrette to pull my hair halfway-up loosely.
I bought several packs of Pocket Puffs tissues for any ladies in embarrassing need, waterproof makeup, über-strong hairspray for the wind, I have a black fan from my Great Aunt Vī,who lived in Spain, in case it's sweltering or the sun is glaring.
I hate that I think do much.
I wish there were a switch to dumb myself down. I might say Duh a lot, but the trade-off could be worth it. No more obsessing when what's important is just paying respect and saying goodbye, getting closure. If there really is so certain and sure a time. It's always been gradual to me.
Anyway, at days end tomorrow, there's no switch to flip and shed light on one's life again simply because the formalities are finalized. Our senses carry memories. It takes the human brain 21 days to break a habit. Those two premiss alone are sufficient to conclude that a sense of peace/closure/normalcy won't occur for those closest to the lost when they awake Thursday morning.
I am removed now. I'll pray for the family every time they cross my mind, and try to make that often. They have a lifetime of reminders, memories to put to rest in a place of peace within themselves.
OWD can be put off. Grief cannot.

Day 21 Operation Waistline Deadline

Okay, so 21 days means that from here on in it should become easier and easier for me to march to the toot (heehee I said toot) of my new healthy horn (I never said it would be a grown-up horn now did I :D ).

195.3 lbs

My Momma made an excellent suggestion today. She's rather clever at times and devised a ceiling number for me. She asked me what weight, at most, I would be happy with throughout life. I thought about it and said from here to being elderly, I should try to stay below 125 for my height.
She then said that I could never have any 9's, 8's, 7's, 6's on the scale. I thought about it and changed my tune. I lowered it. 122. No 5's 4's or 3's either. 122.2 is the highest weight I can be. That means I have to be very conscientious of my BMR and RMR once I reach my mid-life goal weight of 112.0 pounds. My grace is only 0.2 pounds. Ha! But, with my renewed love affair with exercise, I can always, as Loyd would say, Totally redeem myself! by adding a few minutes or whatever to my routine if I decide to indulge in poisonous food like sugary stuff.
Speaking of exercise. I bought 3 exercise bands for $20 at Target today (where I also bumped into my 6th grade teacher whom I loved, and still do. Ah! She looks great! Absolutely glows!). Anyway, the set has a small one to circle both ankles and work inner/outer thighs. It has a medium length two-hand band that works well behind the back vertically or in front horizontally on arms and shoulders and chest. And, it has a long two-hand or hand-to-foot band that works arms and core as well. I'm so excited! I'm like the coffee warehouse guy in the USPS commercial who should switch to decaf. And all I've had today is water to drink. Yipe! I'm addicted ^_^
I wish it hadn't started raining right after I got home or I'd be on the deck blasting 80's music and trying them out leg-warmer style :(
Oh well, home gym it is. Inside. Kinda dreery. Too quiet even with music. Thunder. Skies' stomach is growling. Lights seem harsh. No flowers in here. But home gym it is. :P Kidding. It's okay. I can move furniture and use the living room. Ooooooo! I'll watch Burlesque!!!!!

Daddy

I've waited a long long time
To tell him
What I really wanted say.
Now, as time is drawin' nearer
To The Judgement Day,

O Lawd, I'm-a-ready,
Is there yet time left with him?
O, won't You please help me tell my
Daddy Lawd:
I'll remember him as...

Makin' faces, monkey faces,
Pullin' on my ears.
Ridin high up' Daddy's shoulders
Whenever he was here.

O, There was som'in special
About the way
We would laugh and play.

And, whenever he was home
I would forget
He was rarely here.

Ridin' pushups, Army pushups,
Swingin side-to-side.
Muffled giggles,
Tickle Monster;
Scoop me off the floor.

Ho, There was som'in special
About the way
We would laugh and play.
But.
Whenever he was gone
I could forget
He was ever here.

He's all I ever wanted,
No flowers, gifts or money.
He's all I ever really had,
Even times when he was here.

U-huh-u-uh...

Silent screamin,
Mental breakdown,
Sendin' me away.
Turnin' from me,
Rarely want me,
Unless he need'n a friend.

Ho-oh
There wadn't nuttin special
About the way
I would cry and pray!

No-oh!
There ain't nuttin' special
About the way
I still cry and pray!

And, whenever I'm alone
I bow in pain,
'Cuz he had grief-filled lonesome years.

I thought he must not love me,
'Til I knew of his innocence;
He never knew his Daddy's love
He was raised in

An orphanage...

Unanswered longing,
Self-indulging,
He couldn't find his way.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm

So he joined the Army,
Started a fam'ly;
He gave us things for loves exchange

There ain't nuttin special
About the way
I still cryand pray!

Woa.

But.
Now, whenever I'm alone,
I still lament,
He. Never. Knew. How. To. Be
Here.

I love you Daddy...

Icky Sickly

My chest and throat are on fire, my right nostril is dammed while the left is leaking, my tummy hates everything I serve and sends it all back, my epiglottis is trying to fly away and fanning the flames of the throat fire which then causes the chest fire to surge. It's all making my brain, my main office, scramble and try to keep up which is causing IT to be in an uproar.
All because of some neon yellow and Dijon mustard yellow-brown colored ooze that even the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wouldn't go near. I want my body back :P
Even my jokes are dumb today :)

Adopted Sister

I was planned
She was not
I was planned
She planned my disappearance

I was wanted
She was not
I was wanted
She wanted me dead

I was born "different"
She was not
I was "fragile"
She tried to break me

I loved her
She loved me not
I spoke for her
She mocked me oft'

I trusted her
She led me wrong
I looked for her
She was long gone

I love her
She is lost
I love her
Love is not enough

The Power Of Prayer

Prayer groups and prayer chains. My truest friend, the one who stuck in the biblical sense, included me in hers once and my life has been blessed ever since. That was well over ten years ago; we were children, yet she had the grace and mercy and wisdom to do something so simple and simply the best.
I was in a "residential facility for at-risk teens" (politically correct term for group home, which was like a minimum security prison for the mentally or emotionally or behaviorally ill altogether in one cluster) for two and a half years. I cried myself to sleep nights. The food was expired, donated, cheap and my weight skyrocketed from 102 to 212 in a matter of months. The IMHF (Intensive Medical Health Unit) is the first two weeks of your stay. It's also where you were sequestered if you disobeyed or refused to eat the plates filled with garbage they tried to pass as nutrition. It was a small ten by ten foot room of stainless steel walls; so there was an eerie reflective quality to it. The floor was a cold, cheap, off-white tile, with brown speckle paint patterned on it. The ceiling was polished metal; so it was like looking into a funhouse mirror; not conducive to mental stability or serenity. There was a twin size block of wood in the center of the room with a 6" mattress, a thin pillow, sheets and a cotton knit blanket that did precious little to keep out the cold that seemed to permeate from every corner of the room. You wore sweats and socks and underwear only during those periods. You were watched at all times, including the bathroom. I'd rather not go into any more detail; it's a time I'd like to leave behind.
Later, you lived in a room with up to 5 other girls; a staff member sat at the door at all times. You had to ask permission to use the bathroom at all times and they stood outside the door and listened closely. You were not permitted to sit up in bed. You were not permitted to talk in bed. I cried myself to sleep quietly at night as I stared out the window I was lucky to sleep next to.
I was being punished for being sick. I was being punished for being scared. I was being punished for being abused. I was getting worse each moment that went by, not better.
One day, I got a letter. It was a card. A Hallmark card. An expensive Hallmark card. A huge expensive Hallmark card. It wasn't a holiday week, or my birthday week. I didn't recognize the handwriting or the return address.
I opened it up carefully, slowly, biting my lower lip and curling my toes to keep from tearing it open.
It was a beautiful card, with flowers, and glitter! I didn't know it yet, but I was crying. And smiling a wobbly smile.
I opened the card and saw that it was completely written on from corner to corner, top to bottom, side to side, with a letter from a stranger. My first reaction was alarm, but I read it anyway. I'm so glad that I did. The words were sacred. Are sacred. A woman who'd never met me, never heard of me before, had recently heard of my folly and predicament and wanted me to know I had a circle of prayer and friends surrounding me with love on the outside (in the outside world).
This woman, who was no better off in life than my own family, was taking time out of her life, away from her family and friends, spending her hard-earned funds. For me.
As the weeks, months, and years progressed, I got better. Not because the "program" was successful. But, I Was getting better because I had love and life to look forward to. There was some unknown wonder of "community" out there in the world just waiting for me to join in and share in and contribute to. I had purpose. I wasn't just in everyone's way, or hindering progress and success, or waisting space and resources. I could do for someone else what these women had done for me.
My empty little corner was now cozy, with cards tacked to the bulletin board, letters folded and stacked up like books, and wonder of all wonders: Precious Moments figurines that I Knew cost a fortune adorned my dresser smiling down on me sympathetically and knowingly, sharing in my pain and needs and brokenness. And, a special bear that kept me from crying myself to sleep at night: a Burden Bear. All I had to do was silently pray and list my burdens and the bear would help messenger them to God for me and keep the tears at bay. The bear would hold onto my burdens for me in the meantime.
I eventually discovered the name of the friend who stuck closer to me than any other. She's my truest friend to this day. I owe her my life. I would never have made it out of that place alive without her and her compassion in adding me to the names on her chains prayer list.
I can never repay her for my life. I only hope my life is worthy in God's eyes and makes not only Him proud, but her as well. Paying it forward is all we can do sometimes. She has been for many years already, leading the way. A road less travelled just got a little easier to follow. <3

Haunted

Ever feel haunted?

Boy I sure do these days.
I hear, I'm too sensitive, but there's no switch I can flip to shut it down.
Every time an innocent child, or an innocent adult even really, is killed by accident or mistake, and the weapon was a firearm I tend to succumb to a bout of "melancholia" if you will.
I know I'm not the only one. I know for others it's worse. Some have night terrors that they can't wake up from as easily as i can, and flashes of pain that lands them in the hospital most of the time whereas I can grit my teeth and talk myself down, like reverse hypnosis. Well, it's been 15 years; so I've had a Lot of practice and experience implementing it.
Anyway, an innocent boy was recently murdered. His story is well publicized and his name and face are in every store. I'm glad we haven't forgotten him. I'm glad we're demanding justice for him. I hope his family can find some peace and new purpose in life. I know we all ache for them.
Every time I hear his name, his story, see his face or see his name, I experience pain. It's only a fraction of what he experienced. My mind, however, reminds me how it feels to be shot... and what it's like to know you're about to die... to be looking at and feeling death... I start crying silently in public and have to find a semi-private place to compose myself.
An older friend calls it "Shell Shock" but I don't put a label on it.
It's like being haunted through ones helplessness in sympathy and empathy and a thirst for justice in this case. There's nothing I can do for him, but I can't get him out of my head.
If you've ever or do sometimes feel that/this way, I'm sorry. I hope you've found a way to live with it as well.
For now, I'm going to go hunt for some chocolate and put on an Abbot and Costello record - yes, I said record, and try to mellow out :/

Day 20 Operation Waistline Deadline

Three weeks are up tomorrow!
Which means my scatterbrained should have a new habit formed: healthy living. (It takes the human brain 21 days to make or break a habit) Woohoo!

195.9 lbs
16.1 lbs crash-bang-boomed!
83.9 to badabing-badaboom!

My old - oops! I mean, of course! my oldER - brothers (silly me) ;) and I all like multiple genres of music courtesy our musically inclined Momma's genes and gifted soprano-harmonic voice. Which means, we love hip-hop and country equally. Strange but true. One of is even in the underground industry.
And, while I am in no way shape or form an aspiring rapper or hip-hopstress, I do like to have fun with it now and then just to goad my brother, the lyricist.
So, I was horsing around with him about my fat jokes (all about me, because that's how my fat rolls ^_^), and well, my dorkness had some fun and even got my brother to quirk a grin at the corner of his mouth as he shook his head and probably wondered what planet implanted my embryo to get me to a galaxy far far away :D
Ahem...

I'm fat, with no "Ph" balance
But rounded, with pounds of talent.

I thought that would make a great "Before" moniker. From "Fat to Phat" :D ??? No? Oh. Well phbthttt!

Anyway, I'm having fun aty own expense. I've been doing that ever since I realized it IS fun when I laugh at myself before anyone else can when I trip up the third floor stairs to math class and split my denim skirt up the side and my friends come tumbling after. Oh yeah. That happened. A lot. And thank the Lord for safety pins. And send back the glow in the dark underthings (what was I thinking! VW's and daisies that's what. Dumb-dumb). Anyway. I pretended I found a penny heads-up so it would all be worth it once my good luck ship came in. Um, believe it or not, that has yet to happen... Anyway, as I grew INTO klutzy over the years, it's been a butterscotch lifesaver in diffusing tension. Cry vs joke? I'd rather joke.
Anyway, it's not counter-productive. It's medicinal. I feel Less embarrassed, people are Less uncomfortable and More receptive to helping me up, I move on Faster, I dwell on it Less, and I get a good laugh which should lengthen my life a minute or two :) Who doesn't love THAT!
So, I laugh at the fat. It helps me put it in perspective. It diminishes the fat, making it less intimidating. It takes the power from the problem and puts the power in OVERpowering the problem.
The journey doesn't have to be painful. Pain and feeding the pain is what Caused the problem.
The journey should be fun, leaving little to no room for bitterness, pain, negativity and backward thinking.
For years I laughed and smiled because I thought if I did, eventually I'd feel like laughing and smiling. It usually worked. Now I don't think or obsess over it. I do it. I'm like Mike :P So I guess Nike is my homegirl (she is a girl right? Ugh I don't do mythology much) :) and mascot a li'l.

Okay, back to the napkin to see if my muse has any other brainiac ideas of hip-hop-flops for me to embarrass myself with ^_^

Ttfn ta-ta-for-now!

Day 19 Operation Waistline Deadline

196.3 lbs
15.7 lbs ko'd
84.3 lbs to smear
Highest Weight 212 lbs
Goal Weight 112 lbs

I'm down with the crud. Jury's out as to wether it's severe allergies or a virus. All I know is, I'm sanitizing what I touch, and wearing gloves and a mask to clean a house today not for my benefit, but for theirs.
Why am I cleaning a house when I feel ill? I'm a glutton for punishment? Masochistic? Maybe a li'l. What I really am is happy to leave my house, get some lively interaction even if it is with a cute li'l bulldog instead of a person, and I love exercise (and I can use his surround sound to blast my 80's dance/workout tracks while I clean). Maybe I Should have an EEG done on my head again...? Nah!

Anyway, 135 days til my b-day and I'm right on track to being Mom's-camera-crazy-ready and my-big-brother-Chuck's-obnoxious-and-has-impeccably-terrible-timing-with-snapping-photos-ready along with all-of-my-men(stepDad Verlin, 4 step brothers and 1 brother who'll be here)-are-pranksters-and-will-no-doubt-sabotage-photo-ops-ready :D
I think I need one of those flasks from Baglady Boutique and a helmet and a little pink tazer ;)

Incredible Sword Incredible Weapon

My voice, my words are my sword, my weapon.
My story, my truth are my shield.
My virtues are my armor.
My guardian angel is my army, God's army.

My fight? The demons in my past which I battle back constantly. The war rages on, but I'm winning the battles now.
I've spent the last fifteen plus years fighting, and I will not go quietly into the night nor will I bow down to the devil dogs that terrorized a child.
I have the power of knowledge, the strength of numbers, and the peace that surpasses all understanding. He and his hellions cannot defeat me now. They may hurt me, I may stumble. But I will not fall.
I will go through and through and through the fire. I will be forged and reforged and reforged into an incredible sword, an incredible weapon that can cut through anything, that can make it.
My story is long, beautifully tragic.But it has a great Hollywood-can't-touch-it ending.

My Cousin The Thief

A little girl playing on a farm,
No one around to do her any harm.
She'll laugh and play. Fun-filled days,
An innocent spirit of come-what-mays.

And, there! she sits cross-legged, all smiles
Amid frolicking cats, and dogs, and kittens. All the while
a danger, a familiar stranger, stranger now becomes;
And, oblivious, into the house she comes.

She's just a little girl playing on a farm,
No one around to do her any harm.
She'll laugh and play. Fun-filled days,
An innocent spirit of come-what-mays.

She's in the house so bright and cheery!
She did not see a monster leering.
And in her room she's blissful, cornered.
In comes danger, who from her innocence, has just torn her
Away.

She was just a little girl playing on a farm.
No one around would do her any harm.
She laughed and played. Fun-filled days,
A once innocent spirit of come-what-mays.

And now she sits atop the steps,
Her bags all packed, spine rigid, eyes set.
No smile on her lips appears
As she squints to fight back tears.

2 years will pass before the day
She finds the words, the courage to SAY.
But no on believes; so she starts crying
And so begin her thoughts of dying.

As 2 more years went slowly by
Her steely will said she must die.
For no one helped, cared, or believed
Her innocence was stolen, lost, deceived.

"I was just a little girl playing on a farm.
Someone was set, bound to do me harm.
He watched, he schemed, he stalked his prey
And stole my smile, my laugh, my innocence that day."

This was her note.
This was all she wrote.
It lay beside her on her bed.
A little girl lost, damaged, dead.

Jeff Beasley & Jason Blum

I did not sit atop a wall
But from grace I did fall

My death foreboding, swiftly losing life
You zig-zagged through streets not wasting any time

With help of present in kinsmen trade
You reached my side, this life to save

In moments time, barely a blink
You assessed, for under duress you must clearly think

You did all that was necessary
Thou my cries, no doubt, made you weary

And as one soothed, and coaxed and kept a pace
The other, against time, deftly maintained the race

You could have, to my cries to stop the pain
Given in, given up, but you maintained
Because you fought, and raced, and fought again
A little girl's life lost, was miraculously sustained

Thank-you

SFD Station 9

I didn't sit atop a wall
But from grace I did fall

The first on scene, your men worked fast
You asked, assessed, stepped-in to task

Relieving tired neighbors of their charge
You aided, determined to staunch my life-force discharge

Pushing back the curious throng
You searched around for the thing so wrong

You did all the work 'til help arrived
Because you could and did, a little girl survived.

Thank-you

Lt Vance Holland and SPD

I didn't sit atop a wall
But from grace I did fall

Brave legends of The West
Blindly surged with gun, cuffs and vest

At a site no man should see
You worked by might, both veteran and rookie

Swiftly you performed your service
Neither your strength nor Your pain did go unnoticed

There were eyes, and ears and idle tongue
And you protected me from every one

You made it clear, the medics way
So they could work, my life to save

Had you been late or not arrived
A little girl might not have survived

Thank-you

Dr John Steinberg & Dr Rodney Quinn

I did not sit atop a wall
But from grace I did fall

Your kinsmen with their horsepow'r came
They rallied round, my life sustained

And while they ate up earth to thee
You gathered all you had for me

Then when they brought me to your table
9 hours you did all that you were able

My life and limb seemed so oft' to fail
That efforts would be to no avail

But never did you give up hope
And life seemed spared but by a mote

Minutes, hours, days went by
And for you both more work came nigh

You gave up days of your own lives
Because you did a little girl survived

Thank-you

Chocolate Makes My Bluejeans Shrink

Chocolate Makes My BlueJeans Shrink
-Charity Dow

I told him, I'm going out with my girlfriends
Candy House Chocolates by Richardson's
Lord have mercy, I could only think
Was Chocolate makes my bluejeans shrink.

I'd better put a longer t-shirt on
I know what happens when I eat Bon-bons
My hems are missin', all my zippers kinked
'Cause chocolate makes my bluejeans shrink

It starts with slippin' into a stall
Loos'nin my belt a couple holes
Pull my t-shirt down past my drawers
Pop a button down the toi-- sink

My lipstick line and shade'll smudge
If the chocolateer's offer sample-fudge
I'm gonna come home with a stomach-ache
Oh yeah, chocolate makes my blue jeans shrink

I can handle any buffet lunch
Family pot-lucks and office munch
Silver Dollar City and all their treats
But. Chocolate makes my blue jeans shrink

No saboteur, of my friends,
I'm not the only one
Come mornin' we'll ALL say
Agh! What have I done???
The scale number's gonna make me blink
Oh, how chocolate makes my blue jeans shrink!

Chocolate makes my stretchy flares shrink!

Chocolate makes my fat jeans shrink!

Honey, where're my Ferrero Rocher?...

Swear Pig

I started a swear jar. Well, it's a purple pig with a tiara and sparkly tule veil, but it works.
But above all things, my brethren, swear not, neither by heaven, neither by earth, neither by any other oath: but let your yea be yea; and your nay, nay; lest ye fall into condemnation. James 5:12

I got that from my Spring/Summer read, "Boundaries: when to say Yes how to say No to take control of your life"
Some pages reference 3 Bible verses, others more than 15. So, the seemingly simple 16 chapters are going to stretch across two seasons for me. :)
Any way, when Jesus' brother warns, I try to take it to heart; so I'm paying $1 to the oinker princess every time I use an oath.
My Momma and get Grandma Chalfant would be disappointed in me if I were to regress at this stage in life. I love my Momma.
And, l have a vocabulary sufficient to our vernacular. I can express my thoughts and emotions simply, without a default expletive to conceal a lapse in cognition.
I affirm my commitment to, and do not swear to, a clean vocabulary that my Momma would not be tempted to attack with the soap bar...

Day 16 Operation Waistline Deadline

198.0 lbs
15 steps forward, 3 steps back, and 2 steps forward. Reads like, my big brother, Chuck's version of Red Light Green Light. Twisted hilarity.

87 pounds to go
138 days to go

I'm quite under the weather today, but thanks in part to modern medicine, a spoonful of sugary DNA from my Momma, and a pretty day, I don't care that I'm imitating Old Faithful today. I'm too happy to be saddy. So harrumph and zippiddy doo dah!

I lost a few crucial days of weight loss, which pushes the average daily loss necessity to 0.7 ish pounds list per day if I'm to reach 112 by my birthday. So, I might be adjusting my deadline for reality-sake to Halloween. That gives me a weekend, holiday, celebrations and a depression-slump-of-the-cycle buffer that is much more realistic than a competitive game similar to that of The Biggest Loser where they have oodles of doctors on hand monitoring, trainers at arms length barking, staff nearby in case of emergency and crew constantly gawking and maintaining the pressure. I've got me :D occasionally family, and less occasionally friends with me watching and cheering my every move in-person. Hm, I think I should ease up on the pressure juuuuuust a tad :P
After this morning's debacle, I realize that I am but human :) at least 20% of the time anyway.
I'd have to exercise in excess of 100 calories, meaning I'd have to burn off ALL of my consumed calories for the day PLUS and additional 100 calories, every single day until August 18th to reach my goal if I want to be 112 by the 19th of August. Yeah not gonna happen unless by some miracle Dr Oz shows up with Richard Simmons and Major Payne to whip me into shape on a daily basis from here on in. Ain't gonna happen. Time to Stop. Rewind! Remix. And reconfigure. Again :) oh, I love life :P

Day 15 Operation Waistline Deadline

15 steps forward 3 steps back...
199.8 lbs, thanks to one early b-day celebratory dinner for Verlin, with cake. But, no complaints or excuses. That's still 12 steps forward in 15 days.

What you eat in private will appear in public.

So, this week, I'm counting on my Personal Trainer/Life Coach/Cheer Captain to make His presence known and to knock me on my butt when I need it :P
I have all the resources I need at home, no excuses anywhere I look or go in this world, and thanks to Shakespeare I have a new quotes to add to my nerdy flash card collection :P

Strong reasons make strong actions. - King Johm, act III, sc 4

Though this be madness, yet there is method in 't. - Hamlet, act II, sc 2

How poor are they that have not patience! What wound did ever heal but by degrees? - Orhello, act II, sc 3

The miserable have no other medicine, but only hope. - Measure For Measure, act III, sc 1

Self-love..,is not so vile a sin as self-neglecting. - Henry V, act II, sc 4



Pleasure and action make the hours seem short. - Othello, act II, sc 3

But screw your courage to the sticking place, and we'll not fail. - Macbeth, act I, sc 7

We know what we are, but know not what we may be. - Measure For Measure, act IV, sc 5

Cast' all your care upon him; for he careth for you. 1 Peter 5:7

Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss... James 4:3a

...The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. James 5:16b

I sure hope I get this all right! :P :)
I just checked my email from my psychiatrist... The new meds that I'm on are unforgiving and fragile. I have to walk a fine and very straight line of nutrition for the foreseeable future, at least until that fateful day of remission (it's on the 10-year plan :D ). My gallbladder already went kaputt, and my kidneys are in jeopardy. As much as I joke about things that are The Pits, I really am scared and don't want to take a single chance with my kidneys. I've seen what kidney failure can do to a person and their family... So my reasons have gone from part-health and mostly-vanity, to partly vanity but almost entirely health. I've come too far, survived too much to let something as tiny as a couple of kidneys kill me and leave my closest family with a gaping wound (because they fought right along side me and suffer against the intangible demon when I do too)
So. Happy thoughts. We are what occupies our thoughts most of the time. So, happy thoughts. Healthy, happy thoughts.
Now, I go into battle mode. I'm the researcher in the family. Nancy Drew meets Velma, I suppose because I'm old-fashioned and practically blind :P
I have to make a lifestyle change that meets my health needs, matches my habits to a point - unless I must change a habit for the good, is within my budget, is easy enough to follow that I don't crash and burn after having to devote half my day to tedium, and uses things I like.
1. Meets health requirements
2. Matches my habits and preferences/likes
3. Budget-friendly
4. Simple to schedule and adhere to

Okeedokee, a No gallbladder-weak kidneys-can't cook without supervision and a fire extinguisher handy-is a picky eater-scatterbrained friendly menu and plan of action, comin right up!

Oy! My brain already hurts... :)

Day 13 Operation Waistline Deadline

196.9 lbs
15.1 lbs trounced
84.1 to knock out
142 days to go

And I've come too far to take orders from food! So, while I still have the occasional craving for a few cookies, I make a plan and I call in reinforcements. In my case, yesterday, I was craving Oreo cookies in ice cream with hot fudge. All day it plagued me. So, come afternoon, I shanghai'd my mother and to Andy's Frozen Custard we went. I got a small Oreo cookie jackhammer with hot fudge down the middle. I ate the whole thing. But! Instead of eating an entire tub of ice cream and a jar of hot fudge, I set a limit and got the smallest serving of the most satisfying option I know of. It worked too. I'd planned ahead, leaving room in my caloric intake, at 400, by working out longer and at a higher intensity as well as limiting my other meals and snacks throughout the day.
After all, a sacrifice is trading up something good for something better. So the reverse must be true: a reward is allowing something better after sacrificing :)
I still lost weight today, not quite a whole pound, but a half pound has me all but dancing on the ceiling like Bert and his uncle from Mary Poppins :P

I'm unashamed to say and discuss that I meet with a psychologist every other week. I met with her, Bobbi, yesterday. She looks just like Gwyneth Paltrow's mother and has an über hip personality like a much younger woman. The best thing about having all of my treatment at a catholic hospital is the freedom to discuss faith openly back and forth. It's such a relief and relaxed atmosphere as a result... Anyway, she also helps bariatric patients; so she's keenly skilled in guiding, advising and cheering me on during this particular journey. She's had invaluable advice and it was so awesome to surprise her with my 10.6 pound weight loss yesterday. Even therapists need a boost to know their efforts aren't in vain. We gabbed and gushed and giggled and got back on track :P and I have two assignments for the next two weeks:
1. Eat only in the kitchen. No food or beverage is allowed outside the kitchen, except for water. Ever.
2. Eat on very small plates with child size utensils, left-handed (to help me slow down). I bought ramekins and appetizer plates and baby sporks and spoons :P

The left-handed thing is like a Lucile Ball meets Danny Kay homage. My left arm is still 20-25% paralyzed; so I have to really focus or...ker-plOPP! Which is what happened at dinner with my Mom and brother at Yen Ching. I took my eyes off the fork for a moment and all I ate was fork. My blouse and jeans ate the teeny tiny piece of general chicken I'd stolen from my mother's plate :P Maybe that was justice; I dunno. But, this is gonna get more interesting before I get the hang of it :D My inner Pollyanna says it'll be great late-in-life therapy. Oy, SHE always wins arguments like this. Argh :)
And, I've already fitness hooped for a half hour today. I even managed to keep the thing suspended for as long! I can hardly believe it myself.
Toodles

Day 12 Operation Waistline Deadline

197.4 lbs
14.6 tapped out
85.4 to trounce

Weeeee!

Feeling groovy!
I'm still eh. Bit, it's getting better. Once I'm a healthy weight, my mind won't be so preoccupied and can focus on my real issues... Ah, I can hardly wait for the day, I a few years, when I can tell the board or whomever, Thanks but No thanks. I'm in partial/full remission and can take it from here. Oh frabjous day caloo calay!

Day 11 Operation Waistline Deadline

198.5 lbs
13.5 tapped out
86.5 to trounce

106 calories burned in 15 minutes with The Weighted Hula Hoop Of Shame. 3, 5 minute rotations! That's my best duration so far. Phew!
I'm feeling it a lot more today. I have a stack of mini flash cards 2" thick. I think I'm good on the self pep ;)
My abs and obs were so sore and tender for the first two mi items of today's hooping, but after that, all was good. I sure hope that tenderness passes within the next day or two. It's awful.
But, it feels so great to have actually gotten myself to workout for a few minutes. It's not the 30 that I need, but I'll get there. :)

Day 10 Operation Waistline Deadline

12.2 lbs trounced

"To eat is necessity, to eat intelligently is art." -La Rochefoucauld

I bought a book at Barnes & Noble about Healthy Living and how it takes the human brain 21 Days to form or break a habit. It came with a bracelet that reads, Make It A Habit, which I've been wearing these past ten days. The book is also part journal, and has a quote for each day. I'm adding most of them to my mini flash cards for motivation and to maintain focus. I'm happy with about 80% of my progress or success, which is what most motivators agree is best. Allowing 20% of my time for being a human and therefore imperfect is necessary. I'm glad so many well known motivational speakers agree or the phrase wouldn't have been penned and I'd be discouraged after my off-weekend of junk food and shopping while catching up with an old girl friend. I gained two pounds over two days and felt such a failure. But today I feel good, not great but good enough to urge the horse-drawn wagon onward toward my destination.
My other close friend is in the UK studying for her graduate degree and won't have the funds or the time for a visit like that for a year; so I'm breathing with sweet relief that temptation has waned and will remain ebbed throughout.

Day 9 Operation Waistline Deadline

No change, 199.0 lbs
I expected as much.
I DID spend two days shopping and snacking with one of my best girlfriends-who I hadn't seen I 4 years.
I'm back on track today, and should lose at least a little something in the next two days.
I don't have any other girlfriends in the country at the moment to make an impromptu visit; so from here on in, no excuses. My other bestie is in the UK for the next year of grad school; so even if she does visit, we'll be on a tight tight budget. The joys of student living :P
I'm in so-la-la spirits today. The weight lack-of-moving has me in a funk, but an old school and church chum has a guy friend who caught my photo on my old friend's FB page: and now, a few days later, we've exchanged digits, ate"friends" on FB, and have a standing double with my friend and his girlfriend... Oy, life is so complicated, crazy and wonderful. No matter how bummed I am one minute, something slams into me and has me giddy with the tailspin of emotions. Jeepers.
Just keep swimming...

Day 8 Operation Waistline Deadline

199.0 lb
For a girls day-out/night-in weekend, I'm delighted with the result.
I'm a Starbucks gold card girl; so I had to watch the calories while we were at the mall all day Saturday window-shopping. -- I can't believe I made it through the day without incident. I took refuge in bathrooms as I needed and remembered to breath slowly and I don't think I was all that red and splotchy this time :) --
Starbucks calories are tricky; so, with my handy dandy app, I searched for my best venti option while in line. An iced coffee in non-fat milk was IT. 160 calories for the entire thing! Less expensive to the budget and less expansive to the waistline.

Day 6 Operation Waistline Deadline

199.4 lbs

Well, I haven't left the house, save my mornings on the back deck journalling, in weeks, from anxiety. But, I have managed to make some changes here and there for the good within and without myself.
I have my moments of pain so gripping it hits me like a shield at 50mph and coils around me like a giant python with time aplenty. I love me, then I barely know me. Like right now, unfortunately. But, I'm moving. I'm typing. That's an improvement.
The energy to tap away at the tiny keys of my iPod is no small wonder for me. Usually, I can't even lift a finger.
The weather plays a significant role in my emotional and mental and spiritual health I'm afraid. Cold, below 65, while windy and mostly cloudy with smatterings of rain all combine to drag me through the mud. Alone, they aren't so devastating, but this has my overall self weighed down.
I'm so glad that the weekend will be sunny and mild temps. Hallelujah!
I hope to buy a locket this weekend at The Bag Lady Boutique. I've been looking forward to this and I'm hoping that it's arrived in stock. It may be another week, and that's okay. It's something to look forward to in the Victorian corner of my little mind.
Otherwise, all's well.
I'm poor, lonely, overweight, and mentally ill. But, He's still workin on me to make me what I ought to be... <3

Day 5 Operation Waistline Deadline

199.6 lb
That's another half pound!
Wee!

I am NOT a dog
I will NOT reward myself with food
Money will do Quite nicely though thank-you ;)

My Mother is one of my best friends. I'm beyond lucky to be to infinity and beyond close to her. She's brilliant. For the 12 pounds I already lost, I'm paying myself $1 per pound, for each pound hereafter, I'm getting $2 per pound. I have 88 to go; so...
My Bikini Birthday: No Cake Or I'll Scream shopping day will be lovely all around. No stress over my budget, and no stress over my size. I'll be a 4 again, and I'll have $188 to buy a bikini, an LBD and black strappy heels. I'm a bargain shopper AND this is the Ozarks. I could buy a LOT with that money in Springfield's mall. Oooooooo! I can even treat us to a shared snack while we shop, maybe, maybe not. I don't wanna bloat. We can get nonfat sugar free lattes at Starbucks with my Starbucks Gold card instead. Mine is free that day anyway. Okay, now that my brain hurts and my eyes are crossed from that wild tangent of thought...
It takes 21 days for the human brain to lock in a habit or lock out a habit. I have 16 days left and they look bright. I'm gonna be a 4 in no time :D
This is so fun.
I even managed 25 reps of the Weighted Hula Hoop Of Shame! My abs and obs - I love saying that! - they are sending me the message. They're toning! :D
For the first time in 21 years, I am genuinely looking forward to life.

We have a name!

Operation Waistline Deadline!
which has already commenced will gloriously end on what is heretofore dubbed,
Bikini Birthday: No Cake Or I Scream!
(Aug 19)
I don't care that bikinis will be out of stock for the most part, and that I'll have to choose from the clearance racks of tacky cast-offs. Just the privilege of choosing a size 4 is worth any price tag.

Day 4

Still not sure what to call this:
an Operation or Project
and what should the code word be:
Waistline Deadline or B-Day D-Day
My Mom likes Waistline Deadline, I like B-Day D-Day.
I have Borderline Personality Disorder; so making this decision to me is like a Mother choosing which of her twin children to save in a birth crisis. My brain has a glitch like a malfunctioning robot twitching and sparking and repeating like a broken record "Does not compute. Does not compute..."
Anyway, day 4 has been funny. I dusted off the Thighmaster, rolled out my yoga mat, and lumbered out my set of weighted hula hoops to the deck early this morning before my stepDad got home from the road (he drives nights...).
I turn thirty next year; so it's been a while since I played with a hula hoop or skipbo or any of those tubular toys that kept us girls cool And in good shape back in the 80's & 90's and prior. I looked like a fool.
After countless attempts with the big hoop, I took a break and used the two small arm hoops for a while, and Jiminy Cricket it's hard! Weighted hula hoops are nothing to scoff at. Sure, mine are pink and black and white, they mean business. Yeek. A few minutes later, after my wings were worn out, I tried the giant weighted hula hoop of shame again. I managed three rotations!!!!! Progress. Ha. After several More tries, I began to get it. Before I knew it, I'd done more stretching than hula hooping because I'd been dropping the hoop and reaching to pick it up again a Lot. I should be very limber soon at this rate. By the end of my half hour, I had the hang of it and my obliques were reminding me why I'm not a belly dancer (well, part of the reason was the tea light dance when I dripped wax all over myself then dropped the lit candle in my hair. My mid-eastern ancestors groaned in there graves somewhere that day).
So, I'm down to 200.1 and tuckered out, but stoked. Kowabunga dudettes!
Tomorrow, I tackle the resistance bands. I see a snapped out eye in my future...

I <3 my Psychiatrist and Psychologist

So, it took nearly 15 years, but I finally have the dream team of doctors.
My psychiatrist focuses on ME during our sessions. He listens, makes changes to better the quality of my life, even treats me as an equal. This man with the PsyD, a photographic memory, he treats me, the college drop-out as an equal! Wow. So lucky.
Then there's my psychologist. She is THE coolest. She has twenty plus years experience and brings it down to my level of comprehension and makes the complex concise and easy to recall. She's helping me make major strides out of baby steps.
When I was making baby steps I felt like I was going nowhere fast. Now, I'm making strides and those baby steps make for a strong warmup.
I've learned so much about myself, and moved so far past my biggest stumbling blocks that I k ow beyond doubt that I can forge ahead with people from my past who could be contributing members in my life. Namely, my Daddy. Clichéd but my reality.
Ahead, are my adopted sister and my maternal grandmother. Grandma is next. I'm gonna knock her socks off on her birthday this August with the improvements I've made in myself. Once I can truly see the change in myself, it'll be a LOT easier to make a change in how I allow others, like Grandma, to treat me.
I don't even wanna imagine how lost of be right now had I not been so blessed.
I'm far from healthy and full remission, but there is a plan. 10 years from now, I'll be an independent women and a healthy one at that. Woohoo!

I Forgive You

I forgive you not for you
I forgive you despite you
I forgive you for me

I forget you not one deed
I recall your every misdeed
I will not let you repeat your fetes

Tho I forgive you

I forgive you

I forgive you

Abilify enables my ability to live better...

Thanks to Anilify, I've skated through seratonin syndrome and am better able to function. I still have yet together back to a "normal" life, my anxiety is
the culprit, but I'm expanding my comfort zone and more productive within it.
It took less than two days for me to notice a difference. I was able to wake up rested and ready to greet the day. I am no morning person; so greeting anything in the morning was a joke for me. I'm not bouncy, by any means, but I am functioning. I can do the things that I need to for the most part now. I couldn't before Abilify.
It was also great, not having to switch my other meds up/out/around. That could've meant the need for hospitalization until the effects were certain. Adding Abilify might not work for everyone, but oh, I'm so grateful it has for me.
My cycle of "normal" then depressed for a time, has shifted. My periods of depression are a little less extreme and I'm better able to reach out for help and acknowledge my need for help, before finally accepting the help offered.
I have to save myself ultimately, by reaching for the lifesaver that's thrown to me.

Ups and Downs

It occurs to me that ups in my mood and depressive moods leave me quiet.
I've been at both ends of the scale this past month. Granted, mostly the lower.
I've reconnected with a childhood friend. And, I do mean connected. In person. That's a rare joy for me.
My agoraphobia gets in the way of living; so having 2 friends to actually spend time with away from the sanctuary of my home is beyond epic.
I still feel anxious, but I know that I'm safe with them...
I'm on a new med, Abilify. It's helping. I had a close call with Seratonin Syndrome; so it's been a Godsend. I'm not getting frontal lobe headaches, nor am I getting dizzy when I stand up from a sitting or crouched position. I also find it easier to DO. I was feeling ambivalent or indifferent to change or move forward. Now, I actively seek change and activity. I'm still "hiding" behind the net, socializing in cyber space, but I'm inching my way closer to really living.
Two friends in 2 years 5 months? I can live with that. 2 true friends are better than a multitude of fair weather friends. Part of the pressure is on me; I have to BE a friend to keep friends.
I'm planning a night in with d girlfriends to reintegrate myself and as a sort of re-emergence celebration. I'm shaking off the burdens that I allowed to be dropped on me, and the burdens I grabbed and stacked on lime Gus-Gus (mouse in Disney Cinderella who had so much corn, it collapsed on him).
I'm also going to be visiting the library once a week as an outing/escape.
... So, I'm moving forward. I'm looking back less and less. I'm not hurt by my past quite as much. I still hurt, and certain memories bring a flash flood of emotion, but I'm learning to tough it out.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and I'm letting myself become forged by the fires into a sword by telling my story.
I'm hoping to get involved with the AFSP to do all I can to pay it forward, this renewed chance at life. If I can help just one person, my life will have had purpose and that purpose will have been met.
Hugs and Hopes,
Charity

Toxic People

I am unashamed to admit, I meet with a psychologist every other week.
Recently, she helped me put in perspective, Toxic People.
Every time I allow a toxic/hateful/negative/bitter... person into my life and whenever I visit someone I care about who is toxic..., I'm willingly downing a shot of poison.
That person knows it on some level and gets his/her strength and twisted pleasure from causing me pain.
We have the right to protect ourselves; so building new boundaries, distancing ourselves from the poisonous person.
It's so not an easy change to make. Three of the people who've plagued my life and well-being going back as far as being a new-born. They're family. Immediate family.
But. They take issue with me. Just that, THEY have issues; not me.
After addressing the main reasons they have for hurting me:
"Your scars make people uncomfortable. You should cover them up."
I was born, born into circumstances this person wanted (and deserved); so this person tortured, stalked and threatened my life, and continues to play on my emotions to see me unhappy.
The other person is a complex case, but the main issue is my openness. I care. I don't discriminate or put conditions on my feelings toward, treatment of and willingness to be open to others. This person is an extremist of sorts, who may be getting better, I hear.
So, even if a parent or sibling or close relative are the source, you have the right to separate yourself from them.

Booty Camp Pause

I've spent the last few weeks regrouping, organizing and making the templates (by hand, electronics hate me). I finally hit the jackpot with success. One success after oodles of failures feels so sweet, like getting free anything from the nice singing candy man in Willy Wonka.
Well, I've been working away about a half pound a day by simply eating correctly and moving at a light intensity for an extra 30 minutes each day. Yesterday, I moved furniture from upstairs to the atrium downstairs, and washed a weekends' worth of dishes by hand. It worked away about 250 calories based on my age, height and weight. I love CaloriesPerHour.com!
Then, I wake up today with a scratchy, sore and tight throat, followed a couple of hours later by burning and watery eyes. Several hours later, lethargic and achy, my nose is stuffy. As if that weren't enough to stymie my plans, nausea crept in and has me afraid to eat again.
Argh! I really am jinxed, not that I've ever had evidence to the contrary.
Hot and loose. Chai tea that is, with 5 drops of lemon and a teaspoon of honey. Add in my fine china to cheer me up, and voila, a little less dismal.
Now, I'm quarantined. For the average girl this wouldn't be so extreme, but: I'm mentally and emotionally disabled, I don't drive, I don't control my own money. Okay, I live with my Mom (my caregiver until that gorgeous day when I'm in full remission and can go back to my studio apartment) who has mild lupus, ergo a limited immune system; so she can't have contact with me, even secondary, until I'm well. Eh-heh, this leaves my big brother/self-proclaimed keeper-of-me. Only trouble is, my hero (cheesy but true. I'm fortunate in the best ways), he's sick too, and a few days ahead and worse off as well.
Agh! So, I'm rationing my store of loose teas from Mama Jean's, and Propel Zero Berry until I have the energy to mix up some chicken broth and whatever else I have. Maybe make egg drop soup with bean sprouts and shiratake noodles. - Woohoo, I just got a tiny rumble in my tummy at the thought. Progress.
So, I can stretch and that's pretty much it, but that's something, and I'm hoping it'll ease the muscle aches.
Well, a severely depressed and anxious person forced to lie still and exert minimal energy for an unknown period of time? Recipe for a relapse or flair. So. So, I am keeping Ella Fitzgerald as my Pandora channel, and my go-to perk-me-up movies: Mamma Mia, My Life In Ruins, Because I Said So, and Burlesque. Here's hoping that stuff works.
Well, I might lose weight over the next week, but I worry that once healthy, going back to solids will put pounds on overnight. Ugh.
Here, I was beginning to fix my metabolism, eating at the proper intervals and the proper quantities - every 4 hours and about the size of my fist, per my MD because my meds slow my metabolism down significantly. And, now, I'm on a primarily liquid diet for an unknown duration.
My Booty Camp has become My Booty is Camped.