At age 13, I attempted suicide. As a result, my health was jeopardized. I had to take nerve medication and steroids to sve my left arm. I'd nearly list it when I shot myself in the aorta, which severed not only that aorta, but the nerves and blood vessels to and from my left arm as well as blowing a chunk of my left lung off. Theblet was street-name, "Cop-Killer," and it's no less than a miracle that I survived the loss of nearly 7 pints of blood and that my arm, lung and heart were saved.
It changed my life. I was eventually placed in a mental health facility for at-risk teens. This was a well-intended move gone wrong. The facility exacerbated My condition. It also caused new issues that I wouldnot soon overcome.
It damaged my relationship with my Mother and severed my relationship with my father.
My Mom and I are now quite close and I am nearly in remission.
But.
But, my weight doubled within weeks of being admitted. The foods were mostly donated: out of date, starchy, sugary and lacking any nutritional value. Add to that the massive portions covered the dinner plates - twice to three times the recommended amount for a 14-year-old girl of 5'4" and 108-112 pounds.
At my release (I played the system to get out, knowing I would do better on my own than Ina prison-like facility where I felt punished for being sick and helpless).
My weight yo-yo'd over the last 15 years, and I now weigh just 9 pounds under my heaviest of 212 pounds. I'm 203.1 pounds and miserable.
I was a gymnast as a child, vaulting, stunts in the beam, and stunts on the trampoline, a homemade diet, and happy. I was healthy.
Now, I can't walk up the 15 steps of the stairs in my home without running out of breath and perspiring if I do so a couple of times.
Last week, I could walk at 1.5mph for 5 minutes. Pitiful, but understandable considering...
Yesterday, I managed 2mph for 10 minutes. Woohoo
Today, I was able to walk at 2.4 mph for 10 minutes at maximum incline (45' angle) before my screaming calves could take no more.
It's progress and that's the most important result right now.
I gained the weight rapidly, but I have to lose it gradually; so I don't cause further damage to my body.
My goal is to lose 45pounds over the next 23 weeks, just in time for swimsuits and sundresses.
Then, there's proving to myself that I can do it, along with the proverbial thumbing of my nose in the air at the women who've treated me badly over the course of 15 years at some point or several. Sadly, that includes family. I cannot wait to be the best version of myself, leaving them with nothing to compare themselves to and them come out better than me.
"Noone is better than me,
Just as, I'm no better than anybody else."
"A year from now, I'll be glad I started today."
And my own, "No excuses, just results."
I'm aiming to walk 3 times a day for 10 minutes at,minimum 2mph. It's a start.
I've never been a runner and never will be, the Lord made me top heavy; so muscle tearing is so not something I want to make worse. I'll settle for power walking.
There's a suicide awareness walk, called "The Illuminate The Darkness 5k" each year in August, and I plan to have the biggest team and to make the trek in under an hour.
Team Borrowed Angels (named for the song, Borrow My Angel, that my brother wrote for me as I lay on the ER table. Army green shirts with eggplant purple lettering and double-wings on the back of myself and anyone who's survived suicide attempts as I have, and a note reading, "I let _______ borrow my Angel."
Cheesy, I know. But I've always been Cheesy Charity ^_^ :P
As humiliating as all this is, it's worth the effort if I can save myself. I'll be flying high as Mary Poppins' kite if my openness and honesty helps someone else smile genuinely for just a moment in time.
Like my name means, Love Joy and Peace y'all!
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Barely able to function
I know it's inevitable that deep depressions will occur, but it never ceases to upset me. I can barely sit up, let alone DO anything.
No project or event or interest is appealing.
I'm trying to be up and moving, but I might as well be walking in circles for all I'm accomplishing.
I feel weighted down, bereft.
Crying is just a breath away.
There's no logical reason for any of this; it's just the nature of the beast. But. I really wish there were a solid target I could punch over and over for leaving me like this.
There's an experimental surgery that could potentially fix me, but I'll be an old lady before it's even close to available.
I hope this only lasts a few days. I want to be "okay" for Christmas
No project or event or interest is appealing.
I'm trying to be up and moving, but I might as well be walking in circles for all I'm accomplishing.
I feel weighted down, bereft.
Crying is just a breath away.
There's no logical reason for any of this; it's just the nature of the beast. But. I really wish there were a solid target I could punch over and over for leaving me like this.
There's an experimental surgery that could potentially fix me, but I'll be an old lady before it's even close to available.
I hope this only lasts a few days. I want to be "okay" for Christmas
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Charity Chatterbox and her 7 Brothers
Yep, I have 7 brothers. God help me.
I have 3 ultra-responsible brothers who are independently successful and good, 2 who have learned from their mistakes and remade themselves into responsible independent men who are now good, and 2 who are less than stellar: they are lazy, selfish, careless, moochers who are delusional, and ignorant of reality... 2 from each group are coming over for Thanksgiving.
Now, I had 2 sisters as well. As a girl, they were like my Evil older Stepsisters or the two sisters who betrayed Belle in Beauty and the Beast. Now, one died shortly after we reconciled 2 years ago and one is a tragic beauty herself - we've reconciled and are fiercely loyal to one another, especially having list our big sister so young. She won't be here for Thanksgiving unfortunately - there are still hard feelings between some members of my family...
My Mother is a hopeless tomboy and my (Step)Dad is all guy's-guy. My one niece won't be here, and two of my 5 nephews will be. 1 of my 2 sisters-in-law who, bless-ed be The Lord! are girly Southern Belles to my Urban-Hillbilly Girl (I may be hillbilly, but I was raised and AM city; I just know how to survive the hills if I must. Dirt is dirty :P ). So, that's 1 girly ally and 10 football fanatics. God be with us!
But, wait! The nephews are 23 months and 7 years old; so football is no fun yet. Ha!
Conclusion???
We play games and...!!! Shop online while we nibble on chocolates, sip cappuccino and gab! Yay >^_^<
I have 3 ultra-responsible brothers who are independently successful and good, 2 who have learned from their mistakes and remade themselves into responsible independent men who are now good, and 2 who are less than stellar: they are lazy, selfish, careless, moochers who are delusional, and ignorant of reality... 2 from each group are coming over for Thanksgiving.
Now, I had 2 sisters as well. As a girl, they were like my Evil older Stepsisters or the two sisters who betrayed Belle in Beauty and the Beast. Now, one died shortly after we reconciled 2 years ago and one is a tragic beauty herself - we've reconciled and are fiercely loyal to one another, especially having list our big sister so young. She won't be here for Thanksgiving unfortunately - there are still hard feelings between some members of my family...
My Mother is a hopeless tomboy and my (Step)Dad is all guy's-guy. My one niece won't be here, and two of my 5 nephews will be. 1 of my 2 sisters-in-law who, bless-ed be The Lord! are girly Southern Belles to my Urban-Hillbilly Girl (I may be hillbilly, but I was raised and AM city; I just know how to survive the hills if I must. Dirt is dirty :P ). So, that's 1 girly ally and 10 football fanatics. God be with us!
But, wait! The nephews are 23 months and 7 years old; so football is no fun yet. Ha!
Conclusion???
We play games and...!!! Shop online while we nibble on chocolates, sip cappuccino and gab! Yay >^_^<
Monday, November 21, 2011
How many doctors does it take to change this lightbulb?...
7 Doctors, a specially trained RN, toss in a few nursing assistants and 6 coaches on a rotating schedule.
With all that, you'd think I'd be a mutant with a superpower by now.
The only power I've been granted is a cat-like existence: I have several lives apparently. I've died a few times, slipped into a near coma, lost the use of my left arm, have internal brain damage that's causing serious lapses in memory and misfires in motor skills. I've been shot, cut, strangled, punched in the temple, and drugged then left for dead... With all the "clinically dead" scares??? Where's my power. Nowhere, that's where,
Oo-oo-oooooo... Maybe my brain injury will become a psychic power! That way, I know when I'm about to almost die; so I can avoid it!
Ugh, sigh...
Cat woman has my sympathies
With all that, you'd think I'd be a mutant with a superpower by now.
The only power I've been granted is a cat-like existence: I have several lives apparently. I've died a few times, slipped into a near coma, lost the use of my left arm, have internal brain damage that's causing serious lapses in memory and misfires in motor skills. I've been shot, cut, strangled, punched in the temple, and drugged then left for dead... With all the "clinically dead" scares??? Where's my power. Nowhere, that's where,
Oo-oo-oooooo... Maybe my brain injury will become a psychic power! That way, I know when I'm about to almost die; so I can avoid it!
Ugh, sigh...
Cat woman has my sympathies
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Résume for Love?
I obviously have had issues for several years; 21 actually. Operations Desert Shield and Storm near the Persian Gulf were Pivot-Points in my life.
I'll get into ALL of that, later.
My life from '91 to the present was a tragedy in innumerable acts. I've attempted suicide a few times, and my scars are visible and gnarly. I can't hide all of them. I'm uncomfortable with lying about them, even lying by omission or ambiguity.
I've also been involved in things that are seen as beyond taboo by society. My sex addiction stemmed from childhood attempts to assault on my person. This is also a part of my life that I cannot, in good conscience, hide.
I feel as though I have felony convictions on my résume for romance, love, and marriage.
I've thought, for the last 2 years, that it will take a very special man to want me for keeps. My mother is a pessimist when it comes to men (she's miserable in marriage #5, but they just bought a house and are stuck together for many a year to come), and one of my older brothers, who's also my self-proclaimed "keeper," is afraid that I am too gullible and will marry a sex fiend who will only hurt me emotionally., etc.
I have all of their fears as well to lesser extents, but I'm more afraid of being rejected because of my past.
Yes, the past was significant, it helped to shape the woman I am become , and it will haunt me for the rest of my life. But, it IS the past.
I am back in church, back to a cozy friendship with God. At church, is where I want to find my friends - even if they attend a different church or are believers of a denomination. I hope to find my soulmate at church or through church friends.
Will "he" hold my past against me? Will he become "too busy" for me and disappear from my world? Will he give me a chance? Has he already retreated from the knowing of my past? Am I meant to be alone because of my past?
I try to act nonchalant about it all, but I'm frightened at the thought of being alone for the rest of my life, never knowing love.
Am I underestimating the character of men? Am I vilifying them based on the very past I want to overcome?
I'll get into ALL of that, later.
My life from '91 to the present was a tragedy in innumerable acts. I've attempted suicide a few times, and my scars are visible and gnarly. I can't hide all of them. I'm uncomfortable with lying about them, even lying by omission or ambiguity.
I've also been involved in things that are seen as beyond taboo by society. My sex addiction stemmed from childhood attempts to assault on my person. This is also a part of my life that I cannot, in good conscience, hide.
I feel as though I have felony convictions on my résume for romance, love, and marriage.
I've thought, for the last 2 years, that it will take a very special man to want me for keeps. My mother is a pessimist when it comes to men (she's miserable in marriage #5, but they just bought a house and are stuck together for many a year to come), and one of my older brothers, who's also my self-proclaimed "keeper," is afraid that I am too gullible and will marry a sex fiend who will only hurt me emotionally., etc.
I have all of their fears as well to lesser extents, but I'm more afraid of being rejected because of my past.
Yes, the past was significant, it helped to shape the woman I am become , and it will haunt me for the rest of my life. But, it IS the past.
I am back in church, back to a cozy friendship with God. At church, is where I want to find my friends - even if they attend a different church or are believers of a denomination. I hope to find my soulmate at church or through church friends.
Will "he" hold my past against me? Will he become "too busy" for me and disappear from my world? Will he give me a chance? Has he already retreated from the knowing of my past? Am I meant to be alone because of my past?
I try to act nonchalant about it all, but I'm frightened at the thought of being alone for the rest of my life, never knowing love.
Am I underestimating the character of men? Am I vilifying them based on the very past I want to overcome?
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
The Enemy Within
It just so happens, there IS a surgery that could trump these past 21 years of psychiatric care: medication, cognitive therapies, etc.
I know my enemy is in there somewhere within my frontal lobe. Thanks to great strides in technology, a surgeon can drill into my frontal lobe and connect areas to one another so my mind processes thoughts/data as though I am a Well Person.
It turns out, while we cannot regrow brain cells, we CAN grow connections and regrow them. My mind recalls what it is to be well, and where inside it the necessary area to recreate that wellness. It's a matter of balance.
The problem isn't knowing how to be well, it's knowing how to get back to that wellness while ALL bridges have been destroyed.
This surgery is the stuff of legends. Yes, it's major surgery, but the potential costs for the opportunity are far outweighed by the miracle God could provide through the procedure.
If only the surgery weren't still in the experimental phase. It HAS been successful so far, but it could be another 10, 20 years before its available let alone affordable.
Here's praying for the miracle to occur sooner than that
I know my enemy is in there somewhere within my frontal lobe. Thanks to great strides in technology, a surgeon can drill into my frontal lobe and connect areas to one another so my mind processes thoughts/data as though I am a Well Person.
It turns out, while we cannot regrow brain cells, we CAN grow connections and regrow them. My mind recalls what it is to be well, and where inside it the necessary area to recreate that wellness. It's a matter of balance.
The problem isn't knowing how to be well, it's knowing how to get back to that wellness while ALL bridges have been destroyed.
This surgery is the stuff of legends. Yes, it's major surgery, but the potential costs for the opportunity are far outweighed by the miracle God could provide through the procedure.
If only the surgery weren't still in the experimental phase. It HAS been successful so far, but it could be another 10, 20 years before its available let alone affordable.
Here's praying for the miracle to occur sooner than that
Forensic Psychiatry Patient Journey
3 magazines jumped out at me while buying a new journal at Barnes and Noble: Discover Magazine's The Brain, Time Magazine's Your Brain - A User's Guide, and an issue of Psychology Today.
I'm determined to learn as much as possible about The Enemy Within... I couldn't save my sister, but I can save myself and try to help others do the same.
Forensic Psychiatry is the only field that incorporates both Psychiatry and Genetics and Neurology, all of which are intertwined and affect us at our "Motherboard," our Brain.
The heart is like a battery to me and the brain the big circuit board that facilitates operations to our wiring and circuitry throughout our bodies, Nerves.
So, research time! I've already tapped into the stream of information flowing through the psychiatric community. It's fascinating to know that there are scientists objectively studying and experimenting the very things I've wished for much of my life. They aren't ill, but they choose not to ostracize and condemn, but to lift up and enable the sick. I'd begun to believe it to be hopeless, an existence with mental, emotional, physical trauma and the after-effects that more and still more adults and children suffer through in silence, shamed because society is afraid of what they do not comprehend.
If it takes all of my time and energy to break the silence, shine a clarifying light and to get through to everyone that there is a purpose, a hope, a solution, and even a fight song, "Borrow My Angel" by my own brother, ChuckD of Ovaflow.
It was written as a letter to me, as I lay broken on a hospital bed possibly dying and slipping into a comatose state. The song fueled my soul to fight! The fire HAS forged me "into an incredible sword, an incredible weapon that CAN cut through anything, that CAN make it."
I will be both sword and shield for those not yet strong enough to stand on their own. The sword is my pen. My voice.
The first of the year, I'm going to a facility that specializes in empowering the suicidal and all other mentally and emotionally ill adults, and equips them to take on the world.
This is for my sister, Steph, the many women and men in our family who've suffered, and this is for me.
I've been ostracized at my childhood baptist church, at the baptist school, I've been talked around, gossiped about and called cruel words by those I thought to be my friends, and I even received hate mail condemning me to Hell by the same friends at said school as I lay in ICU in critical condition from a bullet-wound that severed my aorta, punctured my lung, and paralyzed my right arm after losing almost 3/4 of the blood in my body.
I could not possibly care any less what anyone thinks of me any longer. I've already heard the worst from the so-called best. I realized, it's their problem, their malfunction that is bothering them; not me or mine. I am not responsible for their thoughts, hearts or souls. They are. I won't be answering for them one day. They will be. If I allow them to hold me down, when I've fallen, to kick me, then THAT IS my problem. I get to choose my own response, my own emotions, my own heart. My body can be destroyed, but my soul is impervious!
I hope anyone who's suffered like that can take my revelations and stick it to 'em by simply being themself. Noone has the right to make you feel anything; in fact, noone CAN MAKE you feel anything. It's our choice what to feel. Once you can practice That, the rest is much simpler and easier, and every time someone tries to put you down you will see them for the weak and simpleminded fools they are.
If it takes the rest of my Earthly life, I will use the pain I've already suffered to shield others from the same. After all, that's our job as humans: to support one another in our burdened state. Our daily cargo is ours to shoulder, but any and all added burdens are ours to share. It IS biblical after all...
God is in the science. God, through science, can empower us all and protect our next generations. We CAN leave this world better than we entered it. It starts with the person in the mirror, then teaching for the help being offered or seeking the help that waits patiently.
I wish for you,Love Joy & Peace y'all!
I'm determined to learn as much as possible about The Enemy Within... I couldn't save my sister, but I can save myself and try to help others do the same.
Forensic Psychiatry is the only field that incorporates both Psychiatry and Genetics and Neurology, all of which are intertwined and affect us at our "Motherboard," our Brain.
The heart is like a battery to me and the brain the big circuit board that facilitates operations to our wiring and circuitry throughout our bodies, Nerves.
So, research time! I've already tapped into the stream of information flowing through the psychiatric community. It's fascinating to know that there are scientists objectively studying and experimenting the very things I've wished for much of my life. They aren't ill, but they choose not to ostracize and condemn, but to lift up and enable the sick. I'd begun to believe it to be hopeless, an existence with mental, emotional, physical trauma and the after-effects that more and still more adults and children suffer through in silence, shamed because society is afraid of what they do not comprehend.
If it takes all of my time and energy to break the silence, shine a clarifying light and to get through to everyone that there is a purpose, a hope, a solution, and even a fight song, "Borrow My Angel" by my own brother, ChuckD of Ovaflow.
It was written as a letter to me, as I lay broken on a hospital bed possibly dying and slipping into a comatose state. The song fueled my soul to fight! The fire HAS forged me "into an incredible sword, an incredible weapon that CAN cut through anything, that CAN make it."
I will be both sword and shield for those not yet strong enough to stand on their own. The sword is my pen. My voice.
The first of the year, I'm going to a facility that specializes in empowering the suicidal and all other mentally and emotionally ill adults, and equips them to take on the world.
This is for my sister, Steph, the many women and men in our family who've suffered, and this is for me.
I've been ostracized at my childhood baptist church, at the baptist school, I've been talked around, gossiped about and called cruel words by those I thought to be my friends, and I even received hate mail condemning me to Hell by the same friends at said school as I lay in ICU in critical condition from a bullet-wound that severed my aorta, punctured my lung, and paralyzed my right arm after losing almost 3/4 of the blood in my body.
I could not possibly care any less what anyone thinks of me any longer. I've already heard the worst from the so-called best. I realized, it's their problem, their malfunction that is bothering them; not me or mine. I am not responsible for their thoughts, hearts or souls. They are. I won't be answering for them one day. They will be. If I allow them to hold me down, when I've fallen, to kick me, then THAT IS my problem. I get to choose my own response, my own emotions, my own heart. My body can be destroyed, but my soul is impervious!
I hope anyone who's suffered like that can take my revelations and stick it to 'em by simply being themself. Noone has the right to make you feel anything; in fact, noone CAN MAKE you feel anything. It's our choice what to feel. Once you can practice That, the rest is much simpler and easier, and every time someone tries to put you down you will see them for the weak and simpleminded fools they are.
If it takes the rest of my Earthly life, I will use the pain I've already suffered to shield others from the same. After all, that's our job as humans: to support one another in our burdened state. Our daily cargo is ours to shoulder, but any and all added burdens are ours to share. It IS biblical after all...
God is in the science. God, through science, can empower us all and protect our next generations. We CAN leave this world better than we entered it. It starts with the person in the mirror, then teaching for the help being offered or seeking the help that waits patiently.
I wish for you,Love Joy & Peace y'all!
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