At age 13, I attempted suicide. As a result, my health was jeopardized. I had to take nerve medication and steroids to sve my left arm. I'd nearly list it when I shot myself in the aorta, which severed not only that aorta, but the nerves and blood vessels to and from my left arm as well as blowing a chunk of my left lung off. Theblet was street-name, "Cop-Killer," and it's no less than a miracle that I survived the loss of nearly 7 pints of blood and that my arm, lung and heart were saved.
It changed my life. I was eventually placed in a mental health facility for at-risk teens. This was a well-intended move gone wrong. The facility exacerbated My condition. It also caused new issues that I wouldnot soon overcome.
It damaged my relationship with my Mother and severed my relationship with my father.
My Mom and I are now quite close and I am nearly in remission.
But.
But, my weight doubled within weeks of being admitted. The foods were mostly donated: out of date, starchy, sugary and lacking any nutritional value. Add to that the massive portions covered the dinner plates - twice to three times the recommended amount for a 14-year-old girl of 5'4" and 108-112 pounds.
At my release (I played the system to get out, knowing I would do better on my own than Ina prison-like facility where I felt punished for being sick and helpless).
My weight yo-yo'd over the last 15 years, and I now weigh just 9 pounds under my heaviest of 212 pounds. I'm 203.1 pounds and miserable.
I was a gymnast as a child, vaulting, stunts in the beam, and stunts on the trampoline, a homemade diet, and happy. I was healthy.
Now, I can't walk up the 15 steps of the stairs in my home without running out of breath and perspiring if I do so a couple of times.
Last week, I could walk at 1.5mph for 5 minutes. Pitiful, but understandable considering...
Yesterday, I managed 2mph for 10 minutes. Woohoo
Today, I was able to walk at 2.4 mph for 10 minutes at maximum incline (45' angle) before my screaming calves could take no more.
It's progress and that's the most important result right now.
I gained the weight rapidly, but I have to lose it gradually; so I don't cause further damage to my body.
My goal is to lose 45pounds over the next 23 weeks, just in time for swimsuits and sundresses.
Then, there's proving to myself that I can do it, along with the proverbial thumbing of my nose in the air at the women who've treated me badly over the course of 15 years at some point or several. Sadly, that includes family. I cannot wait to be the best version of myself, leaving them with nothing to compare themselves to and them come out better than me.
"Noone is better than me,
Just as, I'm no better than anybody else."
"A year from now, I'll be glad I started today."
And my own, "No excuses, just results."
I'm aiming to walk 3 times a day for 10 minutes at,minimum 2mph. It's a start.
I've never been a runner and never will be, the Lord made me top heavy; so muscle tearing is so not something I want to make worse. I'll settle for power walking.
There's a suicide awareness walk, called "The Illuminate The Darkness 5k" each year in August, and I plan to have the biggest team and to make the trek in under an hour.
Team Borrowed Angels (named for the song, Borrow My Angel, that my brother wrote for me as I lay on the ER table. Army green shirts with eggplant purple lettering and double-wings on the back of myself and anyone who's survived suicide attempts as I have, and a note reading, "I let _______ borrow my Angel."
Cheesy, I know. But I've always been Cheesy Charity ^_^ :P
As humiliating as all this is, it's worth the effort if I can save myself. I'll be flying high as Mary Poppins' kite if my openness and honesty helps someone else smile genuinely for just a moment in time.
Like my name means, Love Joy and Peace y'all!
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