Day 13 Operation Waistline Deadline

196.9 lbs
15.1 lbs trounced
84.1 to knock out
142 days to go

And I've come too far to take orders from food! So, while I still have the occasional craving for a few cookies, I make a plan and I call in reinforcements. In my case, yesterday, I was craving Oreo cookies in ice cream with hot fudge. All day it plagued me. So, come afternoon, I shanghai'd my mother and to Andy's Frozen Custard we went. I got a small Oreo cookie jackhammer with hot fudge down the middle. I ate the whole thing. But! Instead of eating an entire tub of ice cream and a jar of hot fudge, I set a limit and got the smallest serving of the most satisfying option I know of. It worked too. I'd planned ahead, leaving room in my caloric intake, at 400, by working out longer and at a higher intensity as well as limiting my other meals and snacks throughout the day.
After all, a sacrifice is trading up something good for something better. So the reverse must be true: a reward is allowing something better after sacrificing :)
I still lost weight today, not quite a whole pound, but a half pound has me all but dancing on the ceiling like Bert and his uncle from Mary Poppins :P

I'm unashamed to say and discuss that I meet with a psychologist every other week. I met with her, Bobbi, yesterday. She looks just like Gwyneth Paltrow's mother and has an über hip personality like a much younger woman. The best thing about having all of my treatment at a catholic hospital is the freedom to discuss faith openly back and forth. It's such a relief and relaxed atmosphere as a result... Anyway, she also helps bariatric patients; so she's keenly skilled in guiding, advising and cheering me on during this particular journey. She's had invaluable advice and it was so awesome to surprise her with my 10.6 pound weight loss yesterday. Even therapists need a boost to know their efforts aren't in vain. We gabbed and gushed and giggled and got back on track :P and I have two assignments for the next two weeks:
1. Eat only in the kitchen. No food or beverage is allowed outside the kitchen, except for water. Ever.
2. Eat on very small plates with child size utensils, left-handed (to help me slow down). I bought ramekins and appetizer plates and baby sporks and spoons :P

The left-handed thing is like a Lucile Ball meets Danny Kay homage. My left arm is still 20-25% paralyzed; so I have to really focus or...ker-plOPP! Which is what happened at dinner with my Mom and brother at Yen Ching. I took my eyes off the fork for a moment and all I ate was fork. My blouse and jeans ate the teeny tiny piece of general chicken I'd stolen from my mother's plate :P Maybe that was justice; I dunno. But, this is gonna get more interesting before I get the hang of it :D My inner Pollyanna says it'll be great late-in-life therapy. Oy, SHE always wins arguments like this. Argh :)
And, I've already fitness hooped for a half hour today. I even managed to keep the thing suspended for as long! I can hardly believe it myself.
Toodles

Day 12 Operation Waistline Deadline

197.4 lbs
14.6 tapped out
85.4 to trounce

Weeeee!

Feeling groovy!
I'm still eh. Bit, it's getting better. Once I'm a healthy weight, my mind won't be so preoccupied and can focus on my real issues... Ah, I can hardly wait for the day, I a few years, when I can tell the board or whomever, Thanks but No thanks. I'm in partial/full remission and can take it from here. Oh frabjous day caloo calay!

Day 11 Operation Waistline Deadline

198.5 lbs
13.5 tapped out
86.5 to trounce

106 calories burned in 15 minutes with The Weighted Hula Hoop Of Shame. 3, 5 minute rotations! That's my best duration so far. Phew!
I'm feeling it a lot more today. I have a stack of mini flash cards 2" thick. I think I'm good on the self pep ;)
My abs and obs were so sore and tender for the first two mi items of today's hooping, but after that, all was good. I sure hope that tenderness passes within the next day or two. It's awful.
But, it feels so great to have actually gotten myself to workout for a few minutes. It's not the 30 that I need, but I'll get there. :)

Day 10 Operation Waistline Deadline

12.2 lbs trounced

"To eat is necessity, to eat intelligently is art." -La Rochefoucauld

I bought a book at Barnes & Noble about Healthy Living and how it takes the human brain 21 Days to form or break a habit. It came with a bracelet that reads, Make It A Habit, which I've been wearing these past ten days. The book is also part journal, and has a quote for each day. I'm adding most of them to my mini flash cards for motivation and to maintain focus. I'm happy with about 80% of my progress or success, which is what most motivators agree is best. Allowing 20% of my time for being a human and therefore imperfect is necessary. I'm glad so many well known motivational speakers agree or the phrase wouldn't have been penned and I'd be discouraged after my off-weekend of junk food and shopping while catching up with an old girl friend. I gained two pounds over two days and felt such a failure. But today I feel good, not great but good enough to urge the horse-drawn wagon onward toward my destination.
My other close friend is in the UK studying for her graduate degree and won't have the funds or the time for a visit like that for a year; so I'm breathing with sweet relief that temptation has waned and will remain ebbed throughout.

Day 9 Operation Waistline Deadline

No change, 199.0 lbs
I expected as much.
I DID spend two days shopping and snacking with one of my best girlfriends-who I hadn't seen I 4 years.
I'm back on track today, and should lose at least a little something in the next two days.
I don't have any other girlfriends in the country at the moment to make an impromptu visit; so from here on in, no excuses. My other bestie is in the UK for the next year of grad school; so even if she does visit, we'll be on a tight tight budget. The joys of student living :P
I'm in so-la-la spirits today. The weight lack-of-moving has me in a funk, but an old school and church chum has a guy friend who caught my photo on my old friend's FB page: and now, a few days later, we've exchanged digits, ate"friends" on FB, and have a standing double with my friend and his girlfriend... Oy, life is so complicated, crazy and wonderful. No matter how bummed I am one minute, something slams into me and has me giddy with the tailspin of emotions. Jeepers.
Just keep swimming...

Day 8 Operation Waistline Deadline

199.0 lb
For a girls day-out/night-in weekend, I'm delighted with the result.
I'm a Starbucks gold card girl; so I had to watch the calories while we were at the mall all day Saturday window-shopping. -- I can't believe I made it through the day without incident. I took refuge in bathrooms as I needed and remembered to breath slowly and I don't think I was all that red and splotchy this time :) --
Starbucks calories are tricky; so, with my handy dandy app, I searched for my best venti option while in line. An iced coffee in non-fat milk was IT. 160 calories for the entire thing! Less expensive to the budget and less expansive to the waistline.

Day 6 Operation Waistline Deadline

199.4 lbs

Well, I haven't left the house, save my mornings on the back deck journalling, in weeks, from anxiety. But, I have managed to make some changes here and there for the good within and without myself.
I have my moments of pain so gripping it hits me like a shield at 50mph and coils around me like a giant python with time aplenty. I love me, then I barely know me. Like right now, unfortunately. But, I'm moving. I'm typing. That's an improvement.
The energy to tap away at the tiny keys of my iPod is no small wonder for me. Usually, I can't even lift a finger.
The weather plays a significant role in my emotional and mental and spiritual health I'm afraid. Cold, below 65, while windy and mostly cloudy with smatterings of rain all combine to drag me through the mud. Alone, they aren't so devastating, but this has my overall self weighed down.
I'm so glad that the weekend will be sunny and mild temps. Hallelujah!
I hope to buy a locket this weekend at The Bag Lady Boutique. I've been looking forward to this and I'm hoping that it's arrived in stock. It may be another week, and that's okay. It's something to look forward to in the Victorian corner of my little mind.
Otherwise, all's well.
I'm poor, lonely, overweight, and mentally ill. But, He's still workin on me to make me what I ought to be... <3

Day 5 Operation Waistline Deadline

199.6 lb
That's another half pound!
Wee!

I am NOT a dog
I will NOT reward myself with food
Money will do Quite nicely though thank-you ;)

My Mother is one of my best friends. I'm beyond lucky to be to infinity and beyond close to her. She's brilliant. For the 12 pounds I already lost, I'm paying myself $1 per pound, for each pound hereafter, I'm getting $2 per pound. I have 88 to go; so...
My Bikini Birthday: No Cake Or I'll Scream shopping day will be lovely all around. No stress over my budget, and no stress over my size. I'll be a 4 again, and I'll have $188 to buy a bikini, an LBD and black strappy heels. I'm a bargain shopper AND this is the Ozarks. I could buy a LOT with that money in Springfield's mall. Oooooooo! I can even treat us to a shared snack while we shop, maybe, maybe not. I don't wanna bloat. We can get nonfat sugar free lattes at Starbucks with my Starbucks Gold card instead. Mine is free that day anyway. Okay, now that my brain hurts and my eyes are crossed from that wild tangent of thought...
It takes 21 days for the human brain to lock in a habit or lock out a habit. I have 16 days left and they look bright. I'm gonna be a 4 in no time :D
This is so fun.
I even managed 25 reps of the Weighted Hula Hoop Of Shame! My abs and obs - I love saying that! - they are sending me the message. They're toning! :D
For the first time in 21 years, I am genuinely looking forward to life.

We have a name!

Operation Waistline Deadline!
which has already commenced will gloriously end on what is heretofore dubbed,
Bikini Birthday: No Cake Or I Scream!
(Aug 19)
I don't care that bikinis will be out of stock for the most part, and that I'll have to choose from the clearance racks of tacky cast-offs. Just the privilege of choosing a size 4 is worth any price tag.

Day 4

Still not sure what to call this:
an Operation or Project
and what should the code word be:
Waistline Deadline or B-Day D-Day
My Mom likes Waistline Deadline, I like B-Day D-Day.
I have Borderline Personality Disorder; so making this decision to me is like a Mother choosing which of her twin children to save in a birth crisis. My brain has a glitch like a malfunctioning robot twitching and sparking and repeating like a broken record "Does not compute. Does not compute..."
Anyway, day 4 has been funny. I dusted off the Thighmaster, rolled out my yoga mat, and lumbered out my set of weighted hula hoops to the deck early this morning before my stepDad got home from the road (he drives nights...).
I turn thirty next year; so it's been a while since I played with a hula hoop or skipbo or any of those tubular toys that kept us girls cool And in good shape back in the 80's & 90's and prior. I looked like a fool.
After countless attempts with the big hoop, I took a break and used the two small arm hoops for a while, and Jiminy Cricket it's hard! Weighted hula hoops are nothing to scoff at. Sure, mine are pink and black and white, they mean business. Yeek. A few minutes later, after my wings were worn out, I tried the giant weighted hula hoop of shame again. I managed three rotations!!!!! Progress. Ha. After several More tries, I began to get it. Before I knew it, I'd done more stretching than hula hooping because I'd been dropping the hoop and reaching to pick it up again a Lot. I should be very limber soon at this rate. By the end of my half hour, I had the hang of it and my obliques were reminding me why I'm not a belly dancer (well, part of the reason was the tea light dance when I dripped wax all over myself then dropped the lit candle in my hair. My mid-eastern ancestors groaned in there graves somewhere that day).
So, I'm down to 200.1 and tuckered out, but stoked. Kowabunga dudettes!
Tomorrow, I tackle the resistance bands. I see a snapped out eye in my future...

I <3 my Psychiatrist and Psychologist

So, it took nearly 15 years, but I finally have the dream team of doctors.
My psychiatrist focuses on ME during our sessions. He listens, makes changes to better the quality of my life, even treats me as an equal. This man with the PsyD, a photographic memory, he treats me, the college drop-out as an equal! Wow. So lucky.
Then there's my psychologist. She is THE coolest. She has twenty plus years experience and brings it down to my level of comprehension and makes the complex concise and easy to recall. She's helping me make major strides out of baby steps.
When I was making baby steps I felt like I was going nowhere fast. Now, I'm making strides and those baby steps make for a strong warmup.
I've learned so much about myself, and moved so far past my biggest stumbling blocks that I k ow beyond doubt that I can forge ahead with people from my past who could be contributing members in my life. Namely, my Daddy. Clichéd but my reality.
Ahead, are my adopted sister and my maternal grandmother. Grandma is next. I'm gonna knock her socks off on her birthday this August with the improvements I've made in myself. Once I can truly see the change in myself, it'll be a LOT easier to make a change in how I allow others, like Grandma, to treat me.
I don't even wanna imagine how lost of be right now had I not been so blessed.
I'm far from healthy and full remission, but there is a plan. 10 years from now, I'll be an independent women and a healthy one at that. Woohoo!

I Forgive You

I forgive you not for you
I forgive you despite you
I forgive you for me

I forget you not one deed
I recall your every misdeed
I will not let you repeat your fetes

Tho I forgive you

I forgive you

I forgive you

Abilify enables my ability to live better...

Thanks to Anilify, I've skated through seratonin syndrome and am better able to function. I still have yet together back to a "normal" life, my anxiety is
the culprit, but I'm expanding my comfort zone and more productive within it.
It took less than two days for me to notice a difference. I was able to wake up rested and ready to greet the day. I am no morning person; so greeting anything in the morning was a joke for me. I'm not bouncy, by any means, but I am functioning. I can do the things that I need to for the most part now. I couldn't before Abilify.
It was also great, not having to switch my other meds up/out/around. That could've meant the need for hospitalization until the effects were certain. Adding Abilify might not work for everyone, but oh, I'm so grateful it has for me.
My cycle of "normal" then depressed for a time, has shifted. My periods of depression are a little less extreme and I'm better able to reach out for help and acknowledge my need for help, before finally accepting the help offered.
I have to save myself ultimately, by reaching for the lifesaver that's thrown to me.

Ups and Downs

It occurs to me that ups in my mood and depressive moods leave me quiet.
I've been at both ends of the scale this past month. Granted, mostly the lower.
I've reconnected with a childhood friend. And, I do mean connected. In person. That's a rare joy for me.
My agoraphobia gets in the way of living; so having 2 friends to actually spend time with away from the sanctuary of my home is beyond epic.
I still feel anxious, but I know that I'm safe with them...
I'm on a new med, Abilify. It's helping. I had a close call with Seratonin Syndrome; so it's been a Godsend. I'm not getting frontal lobe headaches, nor am I getting dizzy when I stand up from a sitting or crouched position. I also find it easier to DO. I was feeling ambivalent or indifferent to change or move forward. Now, I actively seek change and activity. I'm still "hiding" behind the net, socializing in cyber space, but I'm inching my way closer to really living.
Two friends in 2 years 5 months? I can live with that. 2 true friends are better than a multitude of fair weather friends. Part of the pressure is on me; I have to BE a friend to keep friends.
I'm planning a night in with d girlfriends to reintegrate myself and as a sort of re-emergence celebration. I'm shaking off the burdens that I allowed to be dropped on me, and the burdens I grabbed and stacked on lime Gus-Gus (mouse in Disney Cinderella who had so much corn, it collapsed on him).
I'm also going to be visiting the library once a week as an outing/escape.
... So, I'm moving forward. I'm looking back less and less. I'm not hurt by my past quite as much. I still hurt, and certain memories bring a flash flood of emotion, but I'm learning to tough it out.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and I'm letting myself become forged by the fires into a sword by telling my story.
I'm hoping to get involved with the AFSP to do all I can to pay it forward, this renewed chance at life. If I can help just one person, my life will have had purpose and that purpose will have been met.
Hugs and Hopes,
Charity